Update Home :-)

 We just got back from CA where we went to spend time with my family by blood and my Mispocha.  My mom is recently recovered from a heart attack and we wanted to cheer her up and see if she'd walk and take my Personal Training advice. 

Selah was out of school for 2 weeks and I was/am out of work.  When we got there, my engine seal exploded and my dad had to put the cost on a card, something neither of us have money to pay back.  But thanks be to God that I was not on the road when it happened as my engine would have seized and it could have cost 4xs what it did!  Plus, I'm grateful I was near my dad and that he could help.  Baruch HaShem!

My daughter loves the new childrens program and shabbat school at our "old" congregation, she made friends quickly.  She always does.  And my mom did great!  She is determined and willing, that's all that matters!

My mom got me this book by Anne Lammot, it's so refreshing and cool.  The minute I am thinking about throwing in the towel on this whole "following God" thing, I get something very encouraging and lovely to give me perspective.  We are back in our own apartment now and when Selah laid down she said "ah...our own bedding, it's sooo soft and refershing".  So funny!  Here is a little video she made with her new keyboard and microphone. 

Hypocrisy

Well now, that is a strong word. To normalize: A hypocrite is an actor, someone who puts on a mask to play a part.  We cannot stand hypocrites.  Many people I talk to claim people who go to church are hypocrites and that's why they will never go.  And, it is true, it's a sore spot for me too.  I think we need to admit though, that we are all hypocrites.  If we are not in the mood to talk or deal with our feelings, we say we're okay "just tired", or "just busy", or "just hungry"...whatever. 

We say we are "observant" (for those who keep the Commandments of G-d), when inside we are full of bitterness, disappointment and resentment.  We say we're "walking by faith", when really we're hopeless inside and need to talk about it.  We're liars.  Each and every one of us.  We pretend in many ways.

Last sabbath (saturday), the dance leader asked who needed prayer and about 15 of us prayed together.  One lady mentioned about sifting the wheat from the tares.  This is a parable from the Bible.  When harvesting, you cannot seperate the wheat and the tares until all is harvested.  The wheat represents good fruit, or a person who is a Believer.  The tares...those are the ones who are the pretenders.  They look just like wheat, they may go to the same shul, the same temple, the same church, go to the same school, speak the same words, read the Bible right with you.  You cannot tell the difference.  And you know what? Yeshua (Jesus) said to just let them both grow together. 

But, I have all kinds of friends who want to yank those tares out!  Pick at them, leave a place of worship over them, leave community over them.  Leave, yank, pull, destroy or isolate oneself.  Now, do those seem healthy?  Really?

I was listening to a teaching from a guy who teaches Christians about their Jewish roots and he basically says "well, of course there are hypocrites, there always have been, and there always will be".  Why get so ruffled by it?  I must say, I get ruffled.  Everytime I hear someone acknowledge that December 25 is NOT Jesus birthday and yet they teach others error anyway...I get furious in my gut!  You mean you know it's pagan and you just celebrate it anyway?  Everytime I hear about a pastor or leaders hidden life exposed, I think "why did God allow them in that position?", right along with the cat who won't step foot in a church because of garbage like that.  Here is the thing, you say "well Jesus called them on their stuff, he didn't let it slide...".  You know why???  Because he was THERE! He was with them, in their midst.  How is anyone going to "rebuke" if you never go?  Jesus submitted himself to and learned from for what? At least 20 years, 20 years!!! He studied Torah under them, he was bar mitzvahs like any observant Jew.  He was invited to read from the Torah, which means he sat under their teaching on sabbath "as was his custom".

I have some friends who refuse to go to a Messnianc Congregation, are considering leaving one, or won't go to church...because of Christmas.  Look, the pagan roots of Christmas are a huge discussion we can commence on and trust me, I am studied on the subject Biblically.  It's just that its december so it's fresh for many.  But, how are you accomplishing anything for the kingdom by isolating? How is that teaching anyone? 

I had been considering leaving over this issue, and many other hypocrisies I noticed.  I want to be around like-minded people too and when I find disconnects, then all of the sudden, there are so many I want to leave. When I heard this message, I was convicted.  Of my own hypocrisy, my own selfish attitudes, my own need for humbling and repentance.  I recognized the fact that there are people who can look at my life and say I, too, am a hypocrite.  Thank God they don't abandoned me or stop seeing me.  Thank God they don't cut me out of their lives but love me anyway; tell me the truth, and love me.  I hope we can do the same...

What if???

 We are getting to spend an entire week with my mom after her heart attack.  I was let go from one of my jobs, which was/is disheartening and a bit scary financially, but it opened the door for us to come and see how she is recovering.  I got sick te very first day we got here when I woke up, yuck!  That means I haven't been able to work out for almost 4 days and coughed up what looked like part of my insides, not much help in this condition. 

We have been having a great time coloring and building the below dollhouse made of paper and cardboard, what a great idea!  Selah loves when we all sit at the kitchen table, color, read and play and that is all I have had to energy to do!  This year, I determined not to be fussy about Christmas, though I still feel the same about it (see another blog).  Being with my mom is so much more important.  I get frustrated, then just sad, for friends who refuse to spend time with famil due to different beliefs.  I wonder how they will feel when those family are no longer around.

I have been thinking alot about my own beliefs anyway, challenging them.  I remember being super vehement about all things Christian, some of which I realize I was DEAD WRONG about.  Ask me if you wish.  So, if I was so zealous and so wrong, who is to say I am not wrong now?  This thought makes me want to retreat into a quiet shell, making no waves, saying nothing.  I think back or have someone tell me how influencial I was in their lives, and it scares me.  What if I am influencing wrongly?  I had a wise person tell me to be careful because they said my fire was like a moth to a flame.  I have a knack for drawing people in, but what if for error? 

Alas, I think of these things and hope to be more mature, more tactful, more filled with grace.  That is my prayer, that no man be drawn into anger or sin because of me.  That's all for now

The Christmas Talk

This year Selah and I celebrated Hanukkah all 8 days.  We lit candles each night, we discussed what Hanukkah means and why we celebrate it.  This year was the first year Selah was in public school.  All month, the teachers and students sang songs about Santa, talked about Christmas, had a Christmas play and exchanged gifts.  I have never taught my own daughter about Santa and yet she came home telling me all about him, his elves, where he lives and details she did not learn from me or from TV.   One day, she started crying and said "Mom, we are the only ones in the WHOLE SCHOOL (her emphasis), who don't celebrate Christmas".
Thankfully, the school is wonderful and invited me to teach the children about Hnaukkah.  Here are the lessons of what I taught Selah every night and what the children learned.  Hanukkah means dedication.  We then tell the true, historical, based on fact, story of the Macabees and King Antioch.  This King decided that people, namely the jews, could not worship the way they wanted to.  I asked the children how they would feel if the President of the United States made a law that no one could celebrate Christmas anymore or read the Bible.  They were shocked of course. I asked if they would disobey that law in their own homes and still read their holy book and celebrate the day they believe their god was born.  Many children said they would. This King forbid the Jews to read their holy books, to worship on their holy day or do anything they believed in.  Some rebelled and fled to the mountains.  The believed so strongly in their God that they refused to bow to the world system. And you know what?  They won!  The king got tired of fighting them and left the city.  But, they had defiled Gods temple.  So, the Jewish people re-dedicated the temple.  Hanukkah-dedication.

In the Bible, God asked that the oil be burning 24/7 in the temple.  There are many reasons for this, some say the eternal light is to remind us of Gods light among us, others say it is our way to continue burning our own light.  Either way, for that light to go out is tragic.  Oil was kept always to keep the light burning.  But it was all destroyed.  But the people found enough for one night of light.  The 8 night thing is myth, tradition.  We discussed it in class and lit the candles but even without the miracle of 8 nights of oil from only one night, reminding ourselves to light the candles, bringing Gods light to earth and rekindling the light within us, are amazing lessons.  Spiritual, loving, worthy lessons. 

But, Jesus Himself celebrated Hanukkah.  In John 10:22-26, he observes the Feast of Dedication.  It is also called Festival of Lights.  In Christianity, Jesus is the Light of the World, he refers to him as such.  So, it makes perfect sense that he would celebrate this feast.  It is a feast of fighting against the world system and its decrees against religious freedom.  It is a feast about dedicating oneself back to God.  It is a feast of rekindling our light, letting God light our hearts on fire again for Him.  How beautiful. 

In the Bible, someones birth is not nearly as valuable as the life they live.  To focus on a baby who has not yet done anything good or bad, like we do on Christmas, is not a Biblical concept and not something I teach.  I prefer to teach about the life of Yeshua. 

So, on Hanukkah, we talk about what it means to follow God even when everyone around us is doing other things.  We talk about the shamash candle, the middle candle, the helper candle that lights all the others, and we try to find ways to serve and help others.  These are the reasons we celebrate.

I get frustrated with Christmas.  It is not based on fact, history or truth.  Jesus was not born in December, the inns were full because people were celebrating the eternal Feast of the Lord, Tabernacles/Sukkot.  It s one of many examples where Christianity has missed deeper meanings because they chose to overlook the Jewish roots of their faith.  The macabees would not cave, they would not bow down to pagan ideas of false gods.  May we do the same.

Thoughts that bring me peace when otherwise chaos

There is still so much I don't understand.  So much I don't agree with.  I recently spent some time with some friends I thought believed the same things I did.  Some of you may not know, but I believe the whole Bible, so what applied to Israel, applies to me.  When God said about the Sabbath "remember it and keep it holy", I do the best I can, even though people quote Hebrews or other "new" testament passages at me to prove I'm wrong for even trying to honor the 7th day.  When God said "this is an everlasting commandment" about keeping the Biblical holidays, like Passover, Pentecost, etc., I take that seriously.  

I'm not perfect and when I started this journey, I was very aggressive in it, much like many Christians are with me when they insist the "old" testament is not for us.  I was very dogmatic.  I still am to some degree.  I'm sure you can tell by what I say and how I write :-)

Well, since February of this year, the few people I know who were as dogmatic as I am, I've come to realize, we do not believe the same.  The 1st ones, are the family that kicked my daughter and I out, saying I 'chose' to leave.  What single mom in their right mind CHOSES the street for her child?  Are you kidding me?  

The second set, the female is filled with anger.  In front of me and her child she called her husband "stupid" and "an idiot".  What?  Why would anyone want to know more about the Messiah/Savior you profess to love with that amount of bitterness?  What hurts me the most, and probably why I notice (although anyone and everyone does), is that I was that wife.  I was incredibly mean and sarcastic to my ex.  Belittling, abusive with my words, ugh, it was awful.  And, all in the name of religious beliefs.  

Both above instances truly believe they are doing "Gods will" by kicking us out, and by belittling the not-as-observant-other person.   

There are others I could reference as well.  Suffice it to say, if THAT is what people can look to to find answers about the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, why would they?  Why did I?  Do I still? 

 Well yes, I do.  Very much so actually.  The thing is though, I don't feel like I have as much to prove.  I think that is why I was so angry and bitter before, why these others seem to be still.  It's not that what they believe is untrue.  It's that the soul is still restless, distant from the heart.  So much to prove.  So many people to "save".  So many things to be right about. I don't need that anymore.  I mean, of course I do sometimes.  We all do.  We all need to be heard and feel validated.  I still need that more than I like and more than others I think.  

I'm sure we have all encountered the really dogmatic people, and perhaps it has tasted so bad in our mouths and hearts that we decided "whatever they believe in, I want NOTHING to do with".  Please, we should not let that dictate our decisions about anything, let alone faith.  

When I worked for New Life Ministries, I remember hearing an analogy about parenting that also applies to this.  The woman was saying she wanted to be a better mom than her mom, or parents.  So, she strove to do that, books, skills etc.  And she was, she did things differently, in her mind "better".  Well, if her mom was a 4 on a scale of 1-10, then better is 5 or 6.  Thats great!!  But...the goal is a 10!!! Right?

Well, the same with anything really.  Aim for the goal, the best, the highest, not something different than someone.  That someone has changed a lot on their life, as have you and I over the years so why compare to something ever changing outside yourself?

I am so guilty of comparing myself.  I think "well, at least I don't do THAT!"  Or, "how could they do that and call themselves ___".  "Why can't I be like that?"  "Why don't have that ____, or that___".  But, I want to start comparing myself to myself, to be better that is.  Compare myself to the G-d I say I believe in.  

Well, it's been a minute since I've updated this and alot has happened.  Lil' Miss S. started Kindergarten.  I had a dream to homeschool so even though it breaks my heart to have to send her to school, I found a tremendous Charter School.  They have two teachers per class and no more than 30 students.  They only have K-4th grade so there is no older kids and it is very small.  The teachers are very kind and loving and still give hugs to the children.  Her best little friend, and neighbor, is in the same class with her which made the transition from preschool (8-10) kids to big school, much easier.

I teach more classes and as a regular full-time job.  I no longer work as front desk with 24hour fitness but I am one of their group instructors.  I now teach Aqua, Silver Sneakers, Piyo and of course, Turbo Kick.  As of Monday, I am A.C.E. Personal Trainer and I have my first session on Thursday.  I plan on training for trade for a time, to get my feet wet, get good, help others and help myself.  Bills are a bit hard to pay in the meantime but when you start yuor own business, it's hard at first so I am trusting Abba to provide while I work hard.  I also will be getting my Associates in Elementary Education while I am building a clientele.  I thought I had it already but I am missing one Science class so while I have some time, I will finish that and then on to my Bachelors.  Getting the Personal Training Certificate was hard and a good taste of what being back in school will be like.  There was a TON on anatomy and physiology to learn so it was like learning medical school stuff. 

I've been very involved in my congregation too.  They have "new" rabbis and they started an Erev Shabbat service, which just means evening of the sabbath, Friday night.  It's a big potluck dinner with prayers, some Hebrew liturgy and really nice fellowship.  I've gotten to know people better through that.  The Rabbi and  his wife have five children and S. has taken quite fndly of them.  She insisted that I "never give her anything" because I have not given her a baby sister yet, LOL.  I gently explained that I have to be in love first, then married, then children and that may take some time.  She said she will be praying for me, haha.  We'll see how that goes :-)

They have dancing at our congregation, though not like back in Cali.  I participate in that, and lead once a month.  For the New Year (Rosh Hoshana), God gave me a dance that we choreographed together.  The ladies from the congregation on the dance team and I practiced for weeks and then performed it for the entire congregation!  It's on Youtube "The Danse" from Beth Yachad Messianic.  That was super duper fun and exciting for me, something I have wanted to do since I started Messianic dancing 4 years ago.  I may even be doing that fulltime with Messianic Dance Camps International.  I have a few other dances choreographed but not seen by anyone yet so we shall see. 

Mt. Lemmon

I got my one year chip for abstaining from all alcohol.  In the midst I made a list of all those I have harmed and have become willing to make amends to them.  That has been hard but freeing.  I may be calling you next :-).  I've had to really humble myself to apologize to a few I felt needed to apologize to me.  As I have just done what I was told, I have experienced a joy I have never known.  Shame is not part of my daily/weekly life anymore.  I have peace, shalom.  It's alot of work to list all the things you've done wrong down to the minute details and some avoid this altogether, with fine sounding, very spiritualized reasons.  But, I have found my relationship with God and others to be much, much deeper and more genuine.  Its pretty awesome.  And, as I've traveled to prescott and tucson to make amends to folks there, one of many, I have gotten to sightsee and be out of the Phoenix heat, sweet!!

I have some thought blogs coming up but this is to catch you up.  Oh, I also have a very skeletal website. www.soulandbodywellness.com.  Check in with me soon :-)

Captivating

I write these things down for two reasons.  One, because it is healing for my soul to write out what I think and feel, there is lots of evidence that supports writing as a release.  Two, because reading others stories has always encouraged me and I figure if that's the case for me, perhaps it is for you as well.  Hearing my thoughts, struggles, etc.  may remind you that you are not the only person to feel these things either. 

This is NOT meant to hurt anyone.  Here is what I feel just struck me tonight as I lay down with my little girl.  We are having a sleepover.  One of her little friends is staying the night.  She has been asking for playdates at our house for weeks.  After some playtime and movies and some screeching, we all laid down and read some stories.  I laid down with her while her friend was in our other twin bed.  As she was dosing off, she put her arm and leg over me.  So cute.  So loving and carefree.  Why this is so sweet is well, because it is :-), but also, because earlier I had to kind of lecture her. 

She walked up to her friends mom and said "----- lies alot but you know, I tell the truth".  I was pretty embarassed and tried to think of why on earth she felt the need to say that.  This is a long thought process, lol.  Later, I told her of a time she had hurt this same friend.  She immediately started to feel bad even though it was weeks ago and she has not repeated the behavior.  I told her "now, if I reminded you of that time, if I kept bringing it up, how would you feel".  Her: "sad and ashamed".  Me: "right, so even though ---- may have lied before, she doesn't always and it's hurtful to bring things up all the time".  Her: long pause.  She cried.  Then, she said she wanted to be alone in her room so she could think.  She asked me to not let friend or me come in.  At first, I thought she was just pouting and like being vengeful but I granted her request.

She came out and I asked if she was ok and had had enough alone time.  She said yes and that she had thought about what I said.  Done.  We were on to other things and now to see if it repeats.  You can bet I will not be bringing it up again.  But, I felt distant from her for a bit and so to have her so lovingly want me close was just amazing. 

It made me think, why can't we all be like that?  Quick to listen, to think, to forgive and move on? I know I am not and it really hurt me tonight to think of myself that way.  Then, I began to think of other things.

Recently, in the last 6 months, I have had some pretty yucky things happen.  In February, a long time friend threatened me and kicked my daughter and I out of his house at night on a Friday night.  We have not talked since. This one still hurts and I have definitely been trying to focus on my part in it all, there is always my part I am learning. 

Then, a few weeks ago, a man who has a pretty large ministry, at least on FB, was contacting me a lot and then started becoming mean when I didn't respond quickly or with the adoration he was used to.  I barely knew him a few weeks before the weirdness began.  Then, he blocked me and lied about me to his family. 

And just recently, a friend contacted me saying "God told me you had something to say to me".  Really?  So, I started wondering if I had missed the message and thought maybe I didn't hear God as good as this guy.  When I said I would think more about it, 4 days later, he defriended me.

Aside from the obvious 2nd two, the silliness of FB, there is still a theme.  A pattern.  So, I began to look at my part, of which is a bit too personal for blogging but happy to tell in person.  Then, I remembered an Art Therapy class I did a year or so ago.  The quote went something like this "the enemy sends people into your life to reinforce the lies you believe about yourself."  The lies like "You are just too much", or "you are not worth fighting for". 

These things that have happened have definitely got me wondering if anyone will fight for me when I get difficult, if indeed, me, is just too much.  (by the way, this reminds me of the movie To Own a Dragon when the son says 'you just referred to all of me').  Especially coming from men.  These messages that "you are just too much" have started since a very young age and they have almost taken me out.  I started to believe them and as a result did much harm to myself, my body and my heart. 

But, it's NOT true!  At least not to my Creator!  He loves all of me!  I am NEVER too much for Him.  He has fought tooth and nail to remind me of my value to Him.  When I gave up on myself, He chased me, He pulled me from some seriosuly shady places. 

What lies have you believed about yourself?  Have they been creeping in again?  Through people?  Even people you trust?  Who believe the same way you do? 

Are these people evil? No, come on.  We have all been used to spread negativity, complaints, hatred and unforgiveness.  Each one of us.  But listen to the truth!  You are loved!  You are enough, just as you are and all of who you are.

30 Day Challenge

I was looking over my Top 10 Goals I had written down during a challenge by Chalene Johnson.  She created Turbo Jam, Turbo Fire, Chalean Extreme and my beloved Turbo Kick.  One of my top 3 goals was to teach between 8-10 classes per week. 

When I wrote that down, it was super unrealistic.  I am a new instructor.  I am new to the area.  I don't have any connections, or so I thought.  In less than 6 months, I am teaching 8 classes per week!  And there is room for more, surprisingly.  I'm a Turbo Kick Fitness Instructor, who wulda thought!

This is my schedule:
    Mondays at 9:30am Anytime Fitness in Glendale
    Tuesdays at 10:00am at the Kroc Center, Salvation Army
    Wednesdays at 3:15pm after work at Streetlight, then again at 5:15pm at Fitness Dynamics Studio in Scottsdale
    Thursdays at 10:00am at the Kroc Center again, and again at In the Ra Studio at 6pm
    Fridays at 4:30pm after work at Anytime Fitness in Glendale
    Sundays at 9:30am at Fitness Dynamics Studio in Scottsdale

I'm really shocked at this.  In a good, hopeful, proud of myself kind of way.  If you knew me, this is huge to say I am proud of myself.  I'm typically pretty critical and hard on myself. 

The other thing on the list is to get enrolled in school for my Bachelors and I have done all the necessary applications to do that, just waiting.  That's big too, I've been wanting to finish school for like 10 years.

The Push Goal is to get Certified to be a Personal Trainer.  Got the materials, chose the course, A.C.E and well  on my way.  Once I get that done, I can teach other venues, like Silver Sneakers, which I am excited about. 

I just had to write it down.  It makes it more real for me.  Thanks for letting me share :-)

June Bloom

So much has happened since April and Passover.  It's only been 8 weeks or less but it feels so much longer.  Selah turned the big 5.  Our season passes for Disneyland were still good so we went out to CA and to both Disney and CA Adventure.  She got to meet Jasmine, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, Tinkerbell and Fawn.  We have been reading the Fairy collection which details the fairies way more than a movie so she was happy to meet two of them.  She was, is so gracious about presents too.  Every single one was met with wide eyes, a smile and a thank you, "I love it!".  I hope that attitude stays. 

We found a kindergarten for her.  I am waiting on a scholarship for a private school but in case that doesn't happen, we found a great school close by.  I love the teachers and have been in regular contact with them already.  I actually applied to be a teachers aide there but they are not sure they are hiring.  They have had the same team for over 10 years.  There is only K, 1st-4th, one class per grade and two teachers per class.  Very small and very authentic. 

I also got enrolled in school at ASU.  I am awaiting to hear back on loans and grants.  I could use prayer about that.  I am not able to get a loan as of yet as my one from my Associates went into default (I forgot about it).  So, I am planning on starting in the fall but it will depend on some grants coming through.  I have an interview lined up for one for single moms next week.  I will be getting my Bachelors in Early Childhood Education, Elementary Ed.  

I've been teaching 8 classes a week with the Turbo Kick, which is a kickboxing fitness group class.  I have met some awesome women through taking and teaching this class.  Plus, I teach dance at "church", once a month and I LOVE both.  It struck me that I am a teacher at heart, I enjoy it.  So, that's when I decided on my major at ASU. 

I went into Missions with YWAM and have felt called since a little girl.  I love to help.  That's the point.  When there, I understood that I am called to shorter term missions with a focus.  Simce there, I have learned that I love to teach, and it is because I love to learn.  New cultures, new ideas, new music, new dance, new lessons, etc. 
My goal is to have this career that allows me to work while she is in school so we have more time together.  And, that we can travel together overseas and perhaps spend a few years somewhere teaching.  I don't know all that yet, and I don't need to.  I know this will help me provide for her and us to be together and it is what I love! 

I'm also much closer to getting my Personal Training Certificate, by end of July.  I have the materials and have been studying.  It's just a matter of getting the practice test and paying for the exam.  It seems sobriety has made me very focused, ambitious, determined and consistent.  I likey, I likey alot!

Here are some pictures of a recent excursion we went on with a beautiful family we met at the gym, because of Turbo Kick, who are awesome Christians!  Their daughter is wonderful with mine and she just adores her!

Echad: Oneness

As many of you may know, I recently was invited to speak at a Lutheran church about Passover.  I was very nervous because there is so much amazing insight and information I wanted to convey.  As I was spending time preparing the weeks and hours before, I was struck with a thought. 
God made this happen. 
God wants this message to get to believers more than I ever could want it.  He created the opportunity knowing how much I long for the church to know its roots.  HE wants this! 

That thought led to another.  I have friends-turned-aquaintences who refuse fellowship with people because they believe differently.  These friends continually have something to disagree with in every Messianic congregation, every church, the Jewish community, on and on.  And, whats more, I did the same thing for many, many years!  And had I still believed this, way, my heart would be shut and this opportunity would have never happened. 

After the service, many people came to me saying they have longed to hear these things and didn't know where to start.  Now, they do.  This makes me so happy I am crying.  We have GOT to stop being so seclusive and dogmatic!!!  We have got to stop pointing out all the differences and start being more like Who we say we believe in!

Is there a difference between holy and profane? Yes.  Is there lines you sometimes don't cross?  Yes.  Do you start doing what others do just because you are around them?  No way.  If we cannot be around others who disagree, do things we wouldn't, say things we don't, dress in a way we find inappropriate, etc., then how strong is our own faith?  Do we have to be around people who agree all the time? What good is that?   Can we not parent our own children without having to hide them from people we think are "ungodly"?
How do you shed light if you're only around people who think like you! How do you learn for that matter if you're only around people who think the same?

I'm angry, sad and encouraged all at the same time.  I spent so much time finding differences that I missed out on relationship with some rad people.  I am mad that this mentality is what caused my daughter and I to be put out in the middle of the night by even "like-minded" believers!  I am mad that this mentality is what caused me to become so isolated in my marriage and in my friendships that I lost them! 

I remember sharing with a 5 year old girl.  She kept winning every time she raced her friends.  They, being younger and not as skilled, started to cry.  I coached them that we cannot always win and that's ok and then I said to her "what is more important? winning? or having your friends?".  She answered friends.  If only we, if only I, lived more like this too.  It makes my heart hurt. 

And I am encouraged that despite my own bad attitudes and refusal to associate, God chose to still get His message across.  I am humbled that He would still chose me. And, I am grateful that my heart is not so calloused anymore that He could call on me.  And I share because I imagine others feel all these same things in some manner or another. 

Love came down and rescued me. 

On the note briefly mentioned above about parenting and on a complete tangent but not really, I speak to myself on this.  Yesterday, at my daughters school, they had an egg hunt.  I had been meticulous about keeping her away from all Easter type stuff.   I feel strongly about this, the roots of eggs and fertility and even Easter (Ishtar) is all from really pagan and dark roots.  I think you can have fun with kids in so many other ways and times that repeating pagan practices, just because its fun, is, well, not for me.  Sure, we've made it for other symbolism but once I know, I cannot participate.  I will not lie to my daughter and say it means something it really doesn't.  This is for another time. 

Suffice it to say, I was faced with a dilemma.  The school did not call the eggs Easter eggs but they cannot stop the kids from calling it that.  So, she did an egg hunt.  Something I despise.  I had a choice.  I could make the school feel bad, I could make the others kids and school "informed" about the pagan roots, I could get upset and tell my daughter "that's pagan!". 

Or, I could parent her.  I could take the next few hours and the few days after this event and truly parent her.  I can turn the eggs into sound shakers and dance to Passover, Messianic music.  We can have a discussion about how animals that lay eggs are called Oviperous, something she just learned in school.  I can take her to a Seder and hide the Afikomen and let her search for it, cheer her on and give her a prize when she finds it!  I can talk to her about different cultural and religious practices, get books and read them together.  I can get movies about the different seasonal traditions all around the world.  I can then point out, this is what we do in our family.  There is no shame, no telling others they are wrong, no making her feel wrong, just mommy and Selah teaching time.  I parent.  It takes more time.  It takes more balancing my own emotions, it's harder.  It is simply harder.  But that is what being a parent is.

March Update from the girls

It looks like we are in Arizona a bit more permanently than we thought.  (I thought a driving picture would be fitting here)


Some amazing things have been happening.  On February 3rd, Selah and I were kicked out of the house we lived in and had to call the police to mediate.  The police could not even understand why a single mom and her daughter were being put on the street at night on a Friday night.  It was very traumatic with the homeowners screaming at me in front of Selah, to the point of her bursting into tears and continuing to say today that she is afraid of them.  We did not know where we were going to stay and were pretty frightened.  It seems things get the darkest before they get the brightest...


Just two weeks after this, Selah and I were accepted into an amazing program for women.  The rent is based on income, and many women live rent free as they look for work.  They have free internet, they gave Selah and I a computer, they have childrens activities free.  They have financial planning classes, parenting classes, help with attaining life goals and volunteer work.  Last week they had a teen dance group come into campus and had crafts, food, all free!  It's amazing.  Before that, God opened the door for us to live with a phenomenal couple who took us in with no notice, gave us our own room on one side of the house, made us feel safe and even took Selah as their own (for awhile).  I worried that being with other children only to suddenly be without, would be traumatic for her but they had two small dogs who just filled right in :-). 


Two weeks ago, I had a pastor approach me and ask me to teach about Passover next month and teach the congregation a Messianic dance.  I was shocked, still am a bit.  That is something I have always wanted to do.  I had hoped to do more with YWAM but it seems God prefers to open the doors Himself rather than me force the issue, lol. 


I had hoped to get involved with the sex and human trafficking with YWAM also.  I may still.  But, in the meantime, I also heard from the volunteer coordinator with a ministry called Streetlight that works with the same issue right here in the states, in Phoenix.  They have asked me to teach fitness classes and just help the other staff with loving on the girls.  I have yet to hear back on when and what exactly but I sure am excited either way.   Please pray that I ready myself for this and the Messianic teaching opportunity as much as I can on my part and that I walk only through the doors He opens.  I've spent many years with passions that were indeed from Him, but that I made happen in my own personality. 


The other blessing from being accepted into this womens facility, is that they have an incredible school right on campus!  It's Pre-K and I only have a $15 a week co-pay.  The program is the best school I found after many tours and even a few weeks in another daycare.  I feel very safe with her there and her dad has begun to help fill in the gaps.  He comes early on the days I have to be at work before they open and spends the early mornings with her.  He also spends time with her so I can teach my fitness classes twice a week.  This is another huge miracle, as many of you may know and some guess.  Good. 

At school ach week they have "all about me" in a bag and Selah chose to share about the Esthers Ball we went to.  She brought in this picture and a few others of our hand puppets of Haman and Esther.  I have a funny story about her a school too: I came to pick her up and she and two others were having a snack so I asked if I could sit and snack with them.  When I did, Selah informed me that the other girl told her she would not get any presents if she didn't celebrate christmas.  The teacher then said they had had a heated argument about this (they are all 4 and one 5).  I watched as they got right back into it.  Selah said she gets 8 presents on Hanukkah and that Santa is not alive anymore.  The other girl said he must be "because he came and gave me presents last year".  Selah then said "__________!  He is dead! That was your dad dressed up!" The little girl and her then argued some more on this santa issue until finally Selah said "ahhh! All this talk of santa is giving me a headache, I am done with this conversation!" I about rolled out of my chair laughing.  I said to her, "honey, that's why some things I just don't talk alot about, I feel the same way". 

Later, she said she was right (as we all think we are).  So, I said "well, even if you are right, it is more important to let things go and keep your friends sometimes".  I tied in the story of how Haman thought he was right about Mordecai and how he could not, would not accept their differences and let his anger carry him away.  He got so angry he became violent and then that violence turned against him in the end.  She agreed she didn't want that to happen.  Big stuff for a 4 year old in her 2nd week at school.  But, the teachers all agreed it's good for them to challenge what they believe and think without adult intervention.  I think so too.

We have actively been seeking a home congregation and I think we may have found one this week.  We have also been attending some Jewish Temples for Tot Shabbat and the festival of Purim.  Purim is from the book of Esther and traditionally, children dress up like Esther, or the King, or just a fun costume.  You give to charity, hand out candy and bake a special triangle cookie named after the "evil" Haman from the story in the Biblical account.  Selah had a blast!!  She and I made butterfly cardboard masks, decorated them with feathers and diamonds, and then wore them to the "ball".  She put on her glass slippers, carried a jeweled purse and put on her finest princess dress.  We watched a play, ate pizza, had face painting and got fake swords made of ballons of which we pretend sword fought.  Here is one of the pictures from the "ball". 


So, the goal now is to get my Personal Training Certificate in the next few months, get started on my Bachelors in Education at Asu in the summer and graduate in the next 18-24 months.  I hope to volunteer at Streetlight, continue teaching Turbo Kick Group fitness classes and find a good Kindergarten for Selah.  I'd like to get back to Oregon at some point but I leave it all to God.  If you feel led to support us, please do.  We miss our extended family and please do call and email.  Shalom!

Arizona Adventure

 As many of you know, after YWAM in Oregon, we decided to move to Arizona temporarily.  We live with some long time close friends of mine who have three children.   We got here early November, just outside of Phoenix, and on December 13th, I got a job.  I've been wanting to become more involved in fitness but didn't know what to do.  I want to do fulltime missions still but it seems the answer is not fully or not yet.  So, in the meantime, I work at 24hr fitness.  I just got a job as sub for teaching group classes and this weekend there is a training program for personal training that's half off and accepts payments.  I am excited about that. 

Fun in the snow at a friends cabin in Prescott

Our mommy and Bella cookie makin time...she licked the bowl while my back was turned

Coi

Such a little helper

I have tried to contact some other YWAMs to continue, volunteer, but it seems, again, the answer is no for now.  My current boss suggested me to another club for assistant manager so pray for that for me.  Trying to juggle the minimum starting wage with childcare, gas, and time with Selah is a bit difficult to say the least.  I should know about that this week :-)

We have not found a good community yet, but not for not trying.  I have been to 4 different shabbat services and this last one seems to be a better fit.  I miss my California and Oregon peeps!  Selah and I do get alot of fellowship right at home when Friday night hits. 

Some interesting news is that Selah's dad is back in the picture.  That's been a huge help, and wonderful for Selah.  As you can imagine, it's been extremely emotional and difficult for me.  Call or email me for details. 

 

I really do not know why we are here or for how long but I am still trusting.  Pray with us!