Thoughts that bring me peace when otherwise chaos

There is still so much I don't understand.  So much I don't agree with.  I recently spent some time with some friends I thought believed the same things I did.  Some of you may not know, but I believe the whole Bible, so what applied to Israel, applies to me.  When God said about the Sabbath "remember it and keep it holy", I do the best I can, even though people quote Hebrews or other "new" testament passages at me to prove I'm wrong for even trying to honor the 7th day.  When God said "this is an everlasting commandment" about keeping the Biblical holidays, like Passover, Pentecost, etc., I take that seriously.  

I'm not perfect and when I started this journey, I was very aggressive in it, much like many Christians are with me when they insist the "old" testament is not for us.  I was very dogmatic.  I still am to some degree.  I'm sure you can tell by what I say and how I write :-)

Well, since February of this year, the few people I know who were as dogmatic as I am, I've come to realize, we do not believe the same.  The 1st ones, are the family that kicked my daughter and I out, saying I 'chose' to leave.  What single mom in their right mind CHOSES the street for her child?  Are you kidding me?  

The second set, the female is filled with anger.  In front of me and her child she called her husband "stupid" and "an idiot".  What?  Why would anyone want to know more about the Messiah/Savior you profess to love with that amount of bitterness?  What hurts me the most, and probably why I notice (although anyone and everyone does), is that I was that wife.  I was incredibly mean and sarcastic to my ex.  Belittling, abusive with my words, ugh, it was awful.  And, all in the name of religious beliefs.  

Both above instances truly believe they are doing "Gods will" by kicking us out, and by belittling the not-as-observant-other person.   

There are others I could reference as well.  Suffice it to say, if THAT is what people can look to to find answers about the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, why would they?  Why did I?  Do I still? 

 Well yes, I do.  Very much so actually.  The thing is though, I don't feel like I have as much to prove.  I think that is why I was so angry and bitter before, why these others seem to be still.  It's not that what they believe is untrue.  It's that the soul is still restless, distant from the heart.  So much to prove.  So many people to "save".  So many things to be right about. I don't need that anymore.  I mean, of course I do sometimes.  We all do.  We all need to be heard and feel validated.  I still need that more than I like and more than others I think.  

I'm sure we have all encountered the really dogmatic people, and perhaps it has tasted so bad in our mouths and hearts that we decided "whatever they believe in, I want NOTHING to do with".  Please, we should not let that dictate our decisions about anything, let alone faith.  

When I worked for New Life Ministries, I remember hearing an analogy about parenting that also applies to this.  The woman was saying she wanted to be a better mom than her mom, or parents.  So, she strove to do that, books, skills etc.  And she was, she did things differently, in her mind "better".  Well, if her mom was a 4 on a scale of 1-10, then better is 5 or 6.  Thats great!!  But...the goal is a 10!!! Right?

Well, the same with anything really.  Aim for the goal, the best, the highest, not something different than someone.  That someone has changed a lot on their life, as have you and I over the years so why compare to something ever changing outside yourself?

I am so guilty of comparing myself.  I think "well, at least I don't do THAT!"  Or, "how could they do that and call themselves ___".  "Why can't I be like that?"  "Why don't have that ____, or that___".  But, I want to start comparing myself to myself, to be better that is.  Compare myself to the G-d I say I believe in.  

Well, it's been a minute since I've updated this and alot has happened.  Lil' Miss S. started Kindergarten.  I had a dream to homeschool so even though it breaks my heart to have to send her to school, I found a tremendous Charter School.  They have two teachers per class and no more than 30 students.  They only have K-4th grade so there is no older kids and it is very small.  The teachers are very kind and loving and still give hugs to the children.  Her best little friend, and neighbor, is in the same class with her which made the transition from preschool (8-10) kids to big school, much easier.

I teach more classes and as a regular full-time job.  I no longer work as front desk with 24hour fitness but I am one of their group instructors.  I now teach Aqua, Silver Sneakers, Piyo and of course, Turbo Kick.  As of Monday, I am A.C.E. Personal Trainer and I have my first session on Thursday.  I plan on training for trade for a time, to get my feet wet, get good, help others and help myself.  Bills are a bit hard to pay in the meantime but when you start yuor own business, it's hard at first so I am trusting Abba to provide while I work hard.  I also will be getting my Associates in Elementary Education while I am building a clientele.  I thought I had it already but I am missing one Science class so while I have some time, I will finish that and then on to my Bachelors.  Getting the Personal Training Certificate was hard and a good taste of what being back in school will be like.  There was a TON on anatomy and physiology to learn so it was like learning medical school stuff. 

I've been very involved in my congregation too.  They have "new" rabbis and they started an Erev Shabbat service, which just means evening of the sabbath, Friday night.  It's a big potluck dinner with prayers, some Hebrew liturgy and really nice fellowship.  I've gotten to know people better through that.  The Rabbi and  his wife have five children and S. has taken quite fndly of them.  She insisted that I "never give her anything" because I have not given her a baby sister yet, LOL.  I gently explained that I have to be in love first, then married, then children and that may take some time.  She said she will be praying for me, haha.  We'll see how that goes :-)

They have dancing at our congregation, though not like back in Cali.  I participate in that, and lead once a month.  For the New Year (Rosh Hoshana), God gave me a dance that we choreographed together.  The ladies from the congregation on the dance team and I practiced for weeks and then performed it for the entire congregation!  It's on Youtube "The Danse" from Beth Yachad Messianic.  That was super duper fun and exciting for me, something I have wanted to do since I started Messianic dancing 4 years ago.  I may even be doing that fulltime with Messianic Dance Camps International.  I have a few other dances choreographed but not seen by anyone yet so we shall see. 

Mt. Lemmon

I got my one year chip for abstaining from all alcohol.  In the midst I made a list of all those I have harmed and have become willing to make amends to them.  That has been hard but freeing.  I may be calling you next :-).  I've had to really humble myself to apologize to a few I felt needed to apologize to me.  As I have just done what I was told, I have experienced a joy I have never known.  Shame is not part of my daily/weekly life anymore.  I have peace, shalom.  It's alot of work to list all the things you've done wrong down to the minute details and some avoid this altogether, with fine sounding, very spiritualized reasons.  But, I have found my relationship with God and others to be much, much deeper and more genuine.  Its pretty awesome.  And, as I've traveled to prescott and tucson to make amends to folks there, one of many, I have gotten to sightsee and be out of the Phoenix heat, sweet!!

I have some thought blogs coming up but this is to catch you up.  Oh, I also have a very skeletal website. www.soulandbodywellness.com.  Check in with me soon :-)