So, I am not a die hard Lord of The Rings fan, though I loved the movies and reading the books as a child. So, don't get mad if I get the names or something a bit off. I'd been trying to get my daughter to want to watch it but she thought it would be too scary. That might be due to the fact that I showed her the scene with Gandalf tells the Balrog "You Shall Not Pass!" and yeah, it's pretty intense. She finally watched it so I listened along (we were on a lengthy drive and she had it playing in the back seat.)
I began to think about things as I listened. You know, only a select few knew of the war that was raging. Those at the shire are ignorantly unaware and those at the bar are unaware at first. They're just going about their lives. It reminds me of the Scripture where Yeshua (Jesus) talks about that right before destruction (Noah and Lot), people were also unaware.
That got me thinking that we are actually waging a war. Yes, it may be the "end times". Yes, it may be that the elections this time are "worse". But, the reality is, there is a war raging all the time. And just because you are one of the few who notice, or feel it, or talk about it, doesn't make you crazy. Those boys (all those in the fellowship) looked and seemed crazy to those in bliss. The Baggins' were seen as a bit off by the rest of the Shire. But guess what? They were saving the world!
I'm not advocating that over the top, unhealthy out of this world kind of behavior I see in a lot of people. We are supposed to be present. Here, helping, doing. It's work to be present and to save the world when everyone thinks you're crazy. It doesn't mean we do nothing because after all "Jesus is gonna beam me up before it all goes bad."
Even if you're not a Bible believer, just based on that movie, if you're one of those who don't quite fit in this world, get senses or even visions, be encouraged! You're probably one of the ones who are going to save us all!! :-)
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Some kid friendly remedy ideas: Lavaderm
So, I made this based off of my Young Living Lavaderm spray because they have been out of stock for a long time. So, I posted what I used to make it. I forgot to add the Aloe Vera gel, which is also in it. It's watered down enough to make it safe even for babies over one. My kids get scratched and bruised a lot and this helps immediately with pain and healing. Enjoy!Wednesday, November 9, 2016
I'm up way later than usual. I'm Sad. I'm Confused. Yes, I meant to capitalize those feelings. And, it isn't all about the elections.
I've been feeling a shift for a few months and I know that sounds weird...but I have. Like deep in my core. I'm not sure precisely what it means or why but I know I have to do things differently and I kindof do not want to. It's not that I don't want to, I don't know how and it's going to be hard and I'm sick of always overcoming. What I do know for sure is this: anxiety doesn't change things. Fear, hatred, blame, shaming, these are all things that paralyze us. They keep us from realizing our destiny in this life. Tikkun Olam, repair our world. It's not someone else's job. A President doesn't fix it, even a tightly woven religion doesn't fix it, we fix our world. We stop trying when we live in anxiety and hate. Period. And we must continue to try.
I am so grateful for my husband and my two girls. I have really cool kids and I have a husband that I could never imagine deserving. Loyal. Patient, good God ever patient. Smart, brilliant actually. Cares about humanity, gives blood, does volunteer work. My oldest is super hyper and talks non stop it seems some days. She's also really intuitive, opinionated, strong, capable and smart. My heart swells to almost bursting when I think about her (when she isn't chattering in my ear about Minecraft). My youngest...she is proof that I am loved by my Creator. If you knew my story, how much I've been told I couldn't do, and to have her, at my age and with all my baggage, like I said, proof. She is so loving and chill. She had her 1st day with a nanny today because I have to intern full-time and my husband has to work and she didn't even fuss a little when I left. She's a thinker, like her dad too, whenever she sees a mirror (like in some of our books), she wants to look behind it to see if she can figure out how it works.
Think about what is true, what is real, what you're grateful for. It will help you try and hope again. That's what you know.
I've been feeling a shift for a few months and I know that sounds weird...but I have. Like deep in my core. I'm not sure precisely what it means or why but I know I have to do things differently and I kindof do not want to. It's not that I don't want to, I don't know how and it's going to be hard and I'm sick of always overcoming. What I do know for sure is this: anxiety doesn't change things. Fear, hatred, blame, shaming, these are all things that paralyze us. They keep us from realizing our destiny in this life. Tikkun Olam, repair our world. It's not someone else's job. A President doesn't fix it, even a tightly woven religion doesn't fix it, we fix our world. We stop trying when we live in anxiety and hate. Period. And we must continue to try.
I am so grateful for my husband and my two girls. I have really cool kids and I have a husband that I could never imagine deserving. Loyal. Patient, good God ever patient. Smart, brilliant actually. Cares about humanity, gives blood, does volunteer work. My oldest is super hyper and talks non stop it seems some days. She's also really intuitive, opinionated, strong, capable and smart. My heart swells to almost bursting when I think about her (when she isn't chattering in my ear about Minecraft). My youngest...she is proof that I am loved by my Creator. If you knew my story, how much I've been told I couldn't do, and to have her, at my age and with all my baggage, like I said, proof. She is so loving and chill. She had her 1st day with a nanny today because I have to intern full-time and my husband has to work and she didn't even fuss a little when I left. She's a thinker, like her dad too, whenever she sees a mirror (like in some of our books), she wants to look behind it to see if she can figure out how it works.
Think about what is true, what is real, what you're grateful for. It will help you try and hope again. That's what you know.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Unschooling or something
Recently, I have been attending a home school group. They have lots of activities but the one I have been able to get to is a play at the park day. I have not been able to get there as often as I want just because of the baby's nap time. The thing about having scheduled sleeping is that they sleep awesome but they wreck havoc on the baby when not kept. There are trade offs to everything I suppose. Anyway, there is another mom there who is an avid unschooler. The material I have gained from her is so superb and I am absolutely in agreement with it.
The problem is, I have been schooled in public schools all my life. And, I am kind of a schedule maker and planner by nature (now). I get very anxious when things do not go as planned. I am a lot better but it presents a challenge to actually succeed at un schooling. I recognized that I feel better when I have a checklist to check off, I feel accomplished. But, I am not sure my daughter feels better. She is so different from me. I loved school. I loved to be the best and get A's and be in sports and so on. She does not care one bit for being the best or school. This child actually learns better creatively. I had her 1st grade teacher tell me that she started to let her sing in class because when she put the lesson into a song, she remembered everything! It seemed like she was not paying attention or being disruptive but she was actually teaching herself.
It's a long journey of letting go. It's yet another lesson in control for me. I had a situation I was unsure about what to do the other day. When I was in a partnership, we owned a painting company years ago and the partner I worked with was horrible about spills. I mean, everywhere. That could cost us the job! The people we worked for did not approve of even small dribbles and he splattered everywhere all the time. I would go around and get all annoyed at having to clean up after him. I told him so frequently. He would say "why don't you just clean it up? Why do you always have to bring it up?" Really.
On one hand, how dare a grown man expect someone to clean up after them and then on top of that, to get annoyed at being held accountable? But guess what? Telling him all those times did not change a thing, not even a little. He never changed that aspect of his person in any way, not with that and not with anything. All it did was cause me angst.
Fast forward to a few days ago. My daughter continues to leave her clothes on the floor after her bath and does not even think to put them in thee dirty laundry. And I have told this child repeatedly. I've tried charts, rewards, you name it. It just is not important to her. Guess what? I was even worse as a kid! Me! The clean and organized freak! I lost everything all the time. I still do that actually but I have small children who suck my brain away. So what is the solution? Quite frankly, my old painting partner had a mother who picked up after him. He never had to. That's on her. I do not want to do that with my child.
Sure, I can do the old putting everything not put away in the trash trick. I have not tossed that out. But, I think what is more important now is to check myself. Check my expectations. My own sanity. I mean, what is that really worth in the long term of things? Do I want her to only remember that mommy was always annoyed because things were not clean? Or annoyed because she got distracted from school work and wanted to make up her own song on the piano instead of practice? Come on.
The problem is, I have been schooled in public schools all my life. And, I am kind of a schedule maker and planner by nature (now). I get very anxious when things do not go as planned. I am a lot better but it presents a challenge to actually succeed at un schooling. I recognized that I feel better when I have a checklist to check off, I feel accomplished. But, I am not sure my daughter feels better. She is so different from me. I loved school. I loved to be the best and get A's and be in sports and so on. She does not care one bit for being the best or school. This child actually learns better creatively. I had her 1st grade teacher tell me that she started to let her sing in class because when she put the lesson into a song, she remembered everything! It seemed like she was not paying attention or being disruptive but she was actually teaching herself.
It's a long journey of letting go. It's yet another lesson in control for me. I had a situation I was unsure about what to do the other day. When I was in a partnership, we owned a painting company years ago and the partner I worked with was horrible about spills. I mean, everywhere. That could cost us the job! The people we worked for did not approve of even small dribbles and he splattered everywhere all the time. I would go around and get all annoyed at having to clean up after him. I told him so frequently. He would say "why don't you just clean it up? Why do you always have to bring it up?" Really.
On one hand, how dare a grown man expect someone to clean up after them and then on top of that, to get annoyed at being held accountable? But guess what? Telling him all those times did not change a thing, not even a little. He never changed that aspect of his person in any way, not with that and not with anything. All it did was cause me angst.
Fast forward to a few days ago. My daughter continues to leave her clothes on the floor after her bath and does not even think to put them in thee dirty laundry. And I have told this child repeatedly. I've tried charts, rewards, you name it. It just is not important to her. Guess what? I was even worse as a kid! Me! The clean and organized freak! I lost everything all the time. I still do that actually but I have small children who suck my brain away. So what is the solution? Quite frankly, my old painting partner had a mother who picked up after him. He never had to. That's on her. I do not want to do that with my child.
Sure, I can do the old putting everything not put away in the trash trick. I have not tossed that out. But, I think what is more important now is to check myself. Check my expectations. My own sanity. I mean, what is that really worth in the long term of things? Do I want her to only remember that mommy was always annoyed because things were not clean? Or annoyed because she got distracted from school work and wanted to make up her own song on the piano instead of practice? Come on.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Surprised and Overwhelmed
Wow. It's hard to believe that it has been three years since I wrote a blog on here. I am absolutely in awe of how much has changed. My last post was when I was living in a shelter and working on my Associates Degree. Now, I am 3 months away from my Bachelor's in Education. I am re-married and have an 11 month old baby! I would never have guessed falling in love again was a possibility. And to be a mom again at 41! (complete tangent coming) I had my 9.5 lb baby at a birthing center, 41 years old completely natural, oh yeah, I am a rock star!
I wanted to write again and forgot that I still had a blog. I wanted to write because I realized the other day how lucky I am to still have my parents, and to have the kind of deep and loving relationship that we have. Some of my friends are struggling with some heavy stuff as it relates to their parents, abuses, neglects, issues that formed their automatic responses today. Everyone has those, the automatic responses, the character traits we said we'd never develop that are just like our parents.
There was a time that I refused to speak to my mother. I think it lasted two years, with the occasional speaking that would turn to me wanting to slam down the phone and curse. She just didn't get me! I'd cry. She only cared about her own image! I'd think, who the (expletive) cares about whether my toenails are painted or whether I'm 10 pounds overweight, you're my mom! Love me! There were worse things, things that wounded me in very dark places but we all have those places, don't we? Except most of us do not take the time to think about such things. Why bother with that? It's in the past, it's over, and it doesn't change anything.
Perhaps
Or perhaps, the less you think about something, the less chance there is to change it.
Back to my parents. We did quite a bit of therapy. My sibling and I especially. I went to individual counseling for 5 years, weekly. I did art therapy, I went to 12 step groups, got mentors and sponsors and really took fearful moral inventory on myself (and still do though admittedly not as much as I should). It sucked!!!! No really, there was nothing pretty about it. Sure, it's all beautiful later and helpful and blah blah. But, I was like homicidal/suicidal! ALL THE TIME!! What a pill I was (don't say still am, though it's true.) The thing is, my parents, we talk. They taught me to question everything.
And let me tell you, that did not get me fitting in most of the time, chalk that up to another reason to hate them. I mean, when I was a Bible thumpin-run-of-the-mill-obnoxious Christian, I just wanted to be right, not have more questions!!! My pastors didn't like all the questions. I heard a lot of "you need to turn off your logic" or "have more faith" or "God uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise". Oh yeah, bring out the old quoting things out of context American Western Christian routine, you betcha! Now, my gosh, I love them for it.
I have friends in ministry, whose whole lives were in ministry. There was no teaching anyone to think for themselves. There was no thinking outside the box! (I'm not saying that's all people in ministry, I have no idea, this is just 2 or 3 examples out of hundreds). It's suffocating. I don't have that. I wasn't stuck in the black and whites and right and wrongs because of the way my parents taught me.
When I was in my 30s, I was confronted with some hard truths about God and the Bible and pain, and dysfunction and abuse. If I had not have had parents that taught me to question everything, I would have abandoned my faith. I wanted to. I felt like everything I had believed was a lie. I felt completely duped by God, Christians, the Bible, hope, love, life, whatever.
Then, there was darkness...for a long time...
Fast forward to now. I married a fellow questioner. He likes answers two "or" questions with "yes". It's maddening. It's "yes" and "no" for him. The Earth could be 6,000 years old or billions of years old because time is changed in black holes (or something like that). He is not at all what my parents or I expected. He is, well, "too Jewish". That aside, my parents, unlike many people, let alone parents, could put aside themselves and think about what was best for me.
I never felt that support from them, not in my whole life. They were emotionally absent (and I can say that because we've talked a lot about it, they admit it and are forgiven). They drank more than they paid attention, or that's how I felt then anyway. My dad was hardly ever home. I mean, the last thing I felt was supported or cherished. I certainly didn't think that they had my heart and soul in mind.
But that's the thing, they did. To think that their actions hurt me so is horrifying and painful to them. Just as it would be if either of my children ever expressed that to me, about my mothering. Wow. So painful. But the fact that we get to come full circle like this, and talk about it while we're all living, and get to say "I'm sorry and I love you deeply" is so amazing! So tearfully and wonderfully amazing!
Both my parents are super pro education, super smart and just all around interesting (also not something I have always thought). I decided to homeschool my oldest a short time ago and really expected all the typical nay saying about that subject but also naysaying from them. They didn't! They supported me! They thought about me and the personality of my oldest and really agreed that it was best. Shocker!
And that was what prompted me to want to write again. My gratitude for them. I see so many who have regrets. So many who didn't get to say goodbye or sorry to those they loved, especially parents. I'm so glad I have them. I hope that I can honor them in even a small amount of what they deserve. They've put up with some serious you know what.
Disclaimer: this last sentence is not for those whose parents are still abusive or unsafe. That aside, if you're reading this and have some loved ones still with you, call them. Tell them. Say what you need to say.
I wanted to write again and forgot that I still had a blog. I wanted to write because I realized the other day how lucky I am to still have my parents, and to have the kind of deep and loving relationship that we have. Some of my friends are struggling with some heavy stuff as it relates to their parents, abuses, neglects, issues that formed their automatic responses today. Everyone has those, the automatic responses, the character traits we said we'd never develop that are just like our parents.
There was a time that I refused to speak to my mother. I think it lasted two years, with the occasional speaking that would turn to me wanting to slam down the phone and curse. She just didn't get me! I'd cry. She only cared about her own image! I'd think, who the (expletive) cares about whether my toenails are painted or whether I'm 10 pounds overweight, you're my mom! Love me! There were worse things, things that wounded me in very dark places but we all have those places, don't we? Except most of us do not take the time to think about such things. Why bother with that? It's in the past, it's over, and it doesn't change anything.
Perhaps
Or perhaps, the less you think about something, the less chance there is to change it.
Back to my parents. We did quite a bit of therapy. My sibling and I especially. I went to individual counseling for 5 years, weekly. I did art therapy, I went to 12 step groups, got mentors and sponsors and really took fearful moral inventory on myself (and still do though admittedly not as much as I should). It sucked!!!! No really, there was nothing pretty about it. Sure, it's all beautiful later and helpful and blah blah. But, I was like homicidal/suicidal! ALL THE TIME!! What a pill I was (don't say still am, though it's true.) The thing is, my parents, we talk. They taught me to question everything.
And let me tell you, that did not get me fitting in most of the time, chalk that up to another reason to hate them. I mean, when I was a Bible thumpin-run-of-the-mill-obnoxious Christian, I just wanted to be right, not have more questions!!! My pastors didn't like all the questions. I heard a lot of "you need to turn off your logic" or "have more faith" or "God uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise". Oh yeah, bring out the old quoting things out of context American Western Christian routine, you betcha! Now, my gosh, I love them for it.
I have friends in ministry, whose whole lives were in ministry. There was no teaching anyone to think for themselves. There was no thinking outside the box! (I'm not saying that's all people in ministry, I have no idea, this is just 2 or 3 examples out of hundreds). It's suffocating. I don't have that. I wasn't stuck in the black and whites and right and wrongs because of the way my parents taught me.
When I was in my 30s, I was confronted with some hard truths about God and the Bible and pain, and dysfunction and abuse. If I had not have had parents that taught me to question everything, I would have abandoned my faith. I wanted to. I felt like everything I had believed was a lie. I felt completely duped by God, Christians, the Bible, hope, love, life, whatever.
Then, there was darkness...for a long time...
Fast forward to now. I married a fellow questioner. He likes answers two "or" questions with "yes". It's maddening. It's "yes" and "no" for him. The Earth could be 6,000 years old or billions of years old because time is changed in black holes (or something like that). He is not at all what my parents or I expected. He is, well, "too Jewish". That aside, my parents, unlike many people, let alone parents, could put aside themselves and think about what was best for me.
I never felt that support from them, not in my whole life. They were emotionally absent (and I can say that because we've talked a lot about it, they admit it and are forgiven). They drank more than they paid attention, or that's how I felt then anyway. My dad was hardly ever home. I mean, the last thing I felt was supported or cherished. I certainly didn't think that they had my heart and soul in mind.
But that's the thing, they did. To think that their actions hurt me so is horrifying and painful to them. Just as it would be if either of my children ever expressed that to me, about my mothering. Wow. So painful. But the fact that we get to come full circle like this, and talk about it while we're all living, and get to say "I'm sorry and I love you deeply" is so amazing! So tearfully and wonderfully amazing!
Both my parents are super pro education, super smart and just all around interesting (also not something I have always thought). I decided to homeschool my oldest a short time ago and really expected all the typical nay saying about that subject but also naysaying from them. They didn't! They supported me! They thought about me and the personality of my oldest and really agreed that it was best. Shocker!
And that was what prompted me to want to write again. My gratitude for them. I see so many who have regrets. So many who didn't get to say goodbye or sorry to those they loved, especially parents. I'm so glad I have them. I hope that I can honor them in even a small amount of what they deserve. They've put up with some serious you know what.
Disclaimer: this last sentence is not for those whose parents are still abusive or unsafe. That aside, if you're reading this and have some loved ones still with you, call them. Tell them. Say what you need to say.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)