I just had this conversation again with someone recently, a former single mom of one. As I was running and thinking, I thought of some things to do and not do. It applies to other things as well.
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A SINGLE MOM/PARENT:
1. Do not compare your military husband to being a single mom. While it *is* hard to have your partner gone all the time and it is similar, it is not the same. Unless you're the few who do not get help while he is away financially, you have help putting food on the table and a roof over your head. Single parents have to be both roles. They don't have someone helping pay the rent or buy groceries. The have to fix the car, fix the dishwasher, fix the water faucet, all of it, themselves, while trying to give the limited time they have to engage in their children. It is just not the same. Please do not equate them.
2. Do not compare your 2-3 weeks solo with the kids with being a single mom. See above. Yes, it is hard. Again, you don't have to pay the bills and your husband is coming back eventually. Single parents have no end in sight. Just that alone is so incredibly different and harder.
3. Do not say "At least you only have one". In fact, stay away from saying "at least" ANYTHING! Do you know that having one means you are only and always their only playmate? Like ever. I now have two and is it WAY easier. Sure, it is more expensive and there is always challenges but when you say "at least" anything, it's demeaning, shaming and belittling. It's not ever ok to say "at least". We know you mean well, trying to encourage but just stop. Single parents have an innate and illogical sense of shame all the time. They question themselves and their situation more than yo uwill ever understand. We love your heart and intention but stop.
4. Do not tell him or her "you need time for yourself, why don't you hire a babysitter?" We know more than you think that we need alone time. It's simply not the same for us as for you. There is no extra to hire anyone, ever. Sometimes, people have help from parents or family but not usually and again, the shame, the questioning makes us feel unworthy all the time. What you can do is go over there and babysit for them. Do not ask them to bring their child or children to your house. Kids from single parent homes have a lot of trauma and instability as it is. You just can't know the depth of that. Having their only parent leave is more trauma, whether you think it should be or not. So, unless you are willing to be the babysitter, don't say it.
5. Do not judge her or him or pity them. Many of them or not in their situation by choice. Sure, there are those who sleep around and have made bad choices but you don't know that. Ask actually. Get to know them. As for the pity, when you seek to know them, you will find that many of them have a strength and perseverance that is incredible. They need real and practical help, not pity or judgment.
THINGS YOU CAN DO:
True religion is to help the fatherless and the widow. Though many single moms have divorces where the husband is still around, the effect on the child is still fatherless-ness. This is more often the case than not. Sure, there are great custody cases and shared custody but the woman still has to fend for herself as when that quote above was written. Do a study on it. The effect on them is as if they're a widow and the effect on the children is the same as being fatherless. Unless you are willing to help, please also don't quote Scripture to them. So, what that means is this:
1. Offer to get their groceries. Get a list from them and even if they need things from 3 stores, do it. Don't make comments about the items (you have no idea if they have allergies or special needs). Just ask for the list and then make time to go. I'm not saying you need to pay but at least go.
2. Offer to babysit and go over to their house to do so. Do not dictate to them what they "should" do with their alone time. They are not you and what refreshes them is different. They may just want to sleep. So, you go to their house, take their children to their local favorite park and let her nap.
3. Be the person they call when they have a need. Several people have recalled stories to me of their single mom moments when they had a traumatic thing happened and so called Christians or Bible believers simply didn't make time. It's excruciating. I remember my car broke down. I had no family in the area and very few friends since I was new. I called one of the few people I knew, someone very active in ministry. She was too busy "making dinner" for her teenage kids who can make for themselves and be left alone. These are the kind of things that cause single parents to withdraw into mistrusting people. This also is not their choice. This was an opportunity to heal and the person chose themselves. This happens a lot. I have heard it many times. It's really easy to fix.
4. Offer to pick their child up from school once a week for 3-4 weeks or even once. One time of an extra 30 minutes in a day is more to a single parent than you can imagine. Even the offer is so incredibly healing. It gives hope.
5. Offer to go over to their house after the kids are in bed and just watch movies so they can go run an errand or paint or take a walk away from their house, whatever they want or need. Maybe they can actually go to a counseling appointment or a recovery meeting. Believe me, they want to get additional help but there is no time typically for that. It can be done but it's very difficult.
6. Offer to go to tea or coffee that is at or near a park where the kids can play. Ask her questions. Ask her how she really is and then really listen. Don't look at your phone or talk about yourself, just for a little bit anyway. Just cry with her and listen. Pay for the coffee.
7. Text her once a week or once every two weeks. Just to say hi and let her know you're thinking about her.
8. Ask her what she needs. Then actually try to meet one of those. Be up front with her or him that if you cannot, you say so right away when they share. Then, let her know you'll ask around (if you will) for others to try to help.
The thing is, we need to be more community minded. We need to not compare our situation with someone else's. We all do that. Everyone has their own trauma and hard but we can still be there for others sometimes too.
