I was 5 months pregnant when he screamed, got in my face and said "shut the f--k up!" before storming off. My crime? Asking him to call his dad and see if he had any tips on being a first time dad. Looking back, I see there was obviously issues that were not mine but at the time, I fell on the floor weeping. He then said "I don't care about your feelings", to a pregnant lady bearing his only child. I blamed myself. I thought that I was being hormonal, or too pushy.
Then, he pushed me down while I held our 6 month old. Again, I blamed myself. I was asking too much, I was not being kind or patient enough. Or, maybe it was my post partum I reasoned with myself. Then, it was pulling his hair out and hitting himself. It was then that I asked him to get evaluated. That, I knew, was not "normal" but I again blamed myself. I needed too much. I asked too much. Then, it was slamming things, throwing things and punching holes in the walls.
I had a miscarriage when my youngest was one. Then, another when she was almost 3. I called him. I had bled through my garments and stained my drivers seat. I was bleeding heavily. I called a friend to come be with the kids so that he and I could go to the hospital together.
Instead...I went alone...with a neighbor.
I then lost between 1L and 2L of blood and for some unknown reason, they did not give me a transfusion. I called him to come get me. He did not answer. I had to take the hospital transportation home. I didn't want to bother the neighbor again and I was sure he would come so I kept calling. I was shaking from the blood loss, scared, and needing comfort. He was asleep. I got home and stood in the dark ringing the doorbell and knocking ufor what seemed like hours. It was my friend who answered the door, not my husband. The next morning, he was cheerful and smiling and acting like nothing had happened. It was surreal and confusing. I know now that he was grooming me. Grooming me to not need anything. He didn't want to deal with any emotions and was showing me and making me pay for having them. Laster he told me he hated my feelings.
I still have the blood stain on my chair.
He began mocking my choice of friends and my religious community of the time. He never outright said I could not talk to them. He rolled his eyes, sighed and mocked anything they said that I relayed to him. It was a clear message: they were beneath him and us. Yet, he was well loved and a pillar in the community. He was, and is, brilliant, knows the Torah/Bible extremely well, trained teens for their bar and bat mitzvahs and a talented musician. When our next community that we joined, didn't do the service the way he thought they should, we stopped going there too. I reached out to the leaders, but at that time, I believed his words and made them my own. I was trying to be the good, patient, submissive wife.
We started hosting in our home. Every weekend, we taught the Bible. I did all the legwork, but he was the one everyone loved to listen to because he was/is so smart. Behind the scenes, he was bullying me and mocking. No one saw that so it was me who looked like the passive aggressive one; and many times I was. I looked like the critical one. He would scream in my face and literally stomp off, legs lifting high and wide with each stomp. Then, he would lead, or the next morning wake all smiles and as if nothing happened. It was extremely confusing. His smiles contrasted with my pain, hurt, fear and confusion left me feeling on edge, and constantly on guard.
I have diagnosed CPTSD, and if you know that, you know that we are constantly vigilant and in hyperarousal. That sometimes means we overreact. So, that is what I kept telling myself. I kept telling myself it was me; I was overreacting, I was paranoid, I was critical when there was no need to be. He was all smiles and all chatty in public. He was helpful when people were watching. He was just an absolute mensch in public. His knowledge of the Bible was so great that I concluded it must be me, I was the problem.
He then tried to jump out of a moving vehicle. I assumed it was grief; his dad passed away. Then, he held me down in front of our small child. She was 6. She was screaming and crying. I called DCS. I should have called domestic violence, but I did not know at that time and they dropped the case. Again, I reasoned, it must be grief, or stress. It could not possibly be that he was abusive.
But then, he hit our child. He then blamed her, to the point that she, too, blamed herself. She said she couldn't get angry because it would upset him. She still has trouble allowing any feelings around him. She says she just wants him to be happy and doesn't "want to hurt his feelings". I called DCS again and apparently, because it was not a fist to the face, they didn't deem it worthy. I've since learned a lot about covert abuse and the family legal system. Women are often ignored even when they speak up and make a report. In fact, the most dangerous time for a woman is during pregnancy and when she tries to leave. She is more likely to be killed once she leaves.
I will post some tips for how to prepare to leave an abusive relationship, but I will say for now to not leave until you've followed the steps and definitely do not tell them you're leaving.
There is a very common phenomonon called "reactive abuse". It really should have a different name. It is when the victim finally reacts to abuse and can temporarily become the abuser. More shortly. I was so desperate to fix my marriage, to fix myself that I was the one to initiate all help, even including the Bible study. I found a counselor for myself and then a marriage counselor. When I began to get well and heal, and set boundaries, he became more enraged.
Our marriage counselor had us do an assignment where he was to initiate reading to me a book she recommended. It had questions in there and him initiating would help build intimacy. I truly believed that me making all the efforts was me "being controlling", because that's what I was told over and over again. In 2 months of counseling, he read to me 4xs. It was supposed to be daily. 60 days worth, and he read 4 times. Each of those times, I reminded him. I realize now that me reminding him was, in fact, being controlling; and missing the point, which was for him to initiate and build trust.
While reading, I began to cry hard, I was so hurting. He stood up, and walked away. I was in mid tears. There was no blaming, no criticism, no attempting to poke, just tears. He still abandoned even then. I snapped. All those times he got in my face, pushed me, threatened me, acted like a saint in front of others, all came bubbling up. I followed him. This is where the reactive abuse comes in,. I begged him to see me, to talk to me, to resolve. He began pushing me. I asked him to leave. He refused. He began twisting and pushing. I have titanium in my spine from a serious injury. My back was twisting. In an act of protection, I got physical back. When I reached out to my friends, people who had been in my home for years on a weekly basis, I blamed myself. I told what I had done. I didn't share what he had done, or the years of abuse he'd given me, because I didn't see it as such. I blamed myself, and verbalized as such, yet again.
When I reached out to said friends months later, they told me I was being "controlling and manipulative" because I wanted to talk about how things hurt me. I had been working with a professional counselor for trauma recovery. I read her my text to said friends. She told me I was not at all what they accused. It turns out they'd been abused and were still in contact with a known pedophile. Many victims become abusers or silence other victims. I know that now, but I did not then. I believed it, again, because I had heard that enough that I took it on as truth. I could see the times I had been controlling. I now know that we seek control to gain safety. It's very common among trauma survivors. Another aquaintence told me "you're being a victim because that gets you things". I believed that. Now I know that was a way to silence me; to get me to stop asking for help and stop talking about it. Then, I fully believed it. I mean, afterall, how could I be in this situation again? In 12 steps we take a "fearless and thorough moral inventory", so I was used to looking at myself and my part. It was easy for me to accept it was me. I did have, and still do, lots of areas to change and grow.
I had believed him all along. After all, he was so smart, so knowledgable of the Bible, and all these godly people thought he was so awesome and practically fawned over him for his knowledge; lapping it up. So, if they loved him, and they were godly, that must mean I was the problem. Yes, I was the problem.
Since then, I still see my counselor weekly. I still call my sponsor, and mentor, 2-3 xs a week. I attend groups on healing after covert abuse. I've learned that unless there's bruises, people don't believe there is abuse. I've learned that many religious circles are not who they seem. It took me 10months of being without him, after his final discard, that I was able to call it abuse. I suspected, but I really was convinced it was my fault. My mind knew it was abuse, but my body and heart still believed I was at fault. If only I had been more patient. If only I had been less passive aggressive. If only I had needed less. Maybe if I stopped needing resolve, or having such strong feelings, he would not have left our children and I. It was my fault.
He would breadcrumb me when I would feel stronger. He would say an apology for small things, to get me distracted from the big things: things like hiding 10s of thousands of dollars and holding me down against my will. He would go to a few meetings until I was less guarded, forgave him, and then he would stop going. He got a sponsor, but never tell the sponsor about how he hit our daughter or tried to jump out of a moving vehicle or held me down. He would call a few times until I forgave him, and then stop. This sponsor called me names and had never met me. If any of you know the 12 steps, no good sponsor would call the significant other names. It didn't matter anyway because he was going to say he "tried and it's just never good enough for you". See the subtle blame there?
He did these things to say he "tried really hard". He came to marriage counseling, but did not do anything she asked (except those 4 times- we saw her for 8 month every other week and then weekly for just over a. month). He went to counseling, but only talked about me and then dropped out whenever they'd get to his issues. He went through 4 counselors at my begging him. Each one was about how I was the problem. He didn't do their assignments or inner work either. He did this so he could say "he tried". So that he would look like the good guy to others. He attended a few coda meetings but when they'd get to the steps and making an inner inventory, he stopped going. Each time, he would do this when I finally got fed up. Then, after a few times, when I had forgiven him, he would stop. It was a ruse to keep me hooked. I bought it. I believed he was trying too. Now, looking back, and with the help of my counselor, I see the manipulation. I see the games.
This is why victims don't leave. They are being manipulated. They are stay at home parents who don't have financial stability to leave. Mine asked me to homeschool and stay home, only to later say I "didn't want to work" and that he only pays alimony "for the kids". Nevermind that the lawyers mandated it. He takes every opportunity to tell others how generous he is being. And he is. Is it genuine? Or is it to look good for others? Honestly, it doesn't matter anymore. I am grateful for the support until I get back on my feet. Victims are manipulated. They are broken down, slowly and over long periods of time. That is why it is called covert abuse. It's subtle at first. They do not start abusive, they sneak it in over time to confuse you.
So, please do not ask victims "why didn't you leave"? and instead ask "how can I help?" Even just a listening ear is very helpful.
Some tips for getting out of an abusive relationship: PLAN. This may take a year. Better safe than dead
Make copies of all important documents. Taxes, birth certificates, license, passports ets for you an the kids. Keep it hidden
Do not leave without the children
Call domestic violence shelters to confirm what ages of children they allow and get on the waiting list. There is often over a years waiting list
Call friends or family that you trust and have a place to stay with them. Do not tell them if they have ever, even once, not been trustworthy
Make a second set of keys and keep them hidden
Begin to document in a notes app that is password or fingerprint locked of every abusive incident
Document every incident of their endangering the child(ren)
Contact victims assisstance and see what therapies or assistance is available in your state
Get a part-time job; One you can do when he/she is at work and the kids are at school. Do this secretly and save. Put all money in a separate account that he/she cannot access.
This may feel dishonest. This is only for abusive situations and not supported for general unhappiness. This may go against your religious beliefs. Victims are often shamed into staying in abuse from their religious leaders and doctrine. Plan anyway. Plan, pray, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
