Who Benefits?

I haven't celebrated Christmas in many years now.  When I first discovered the roots and history of it, and compared it with Scripture, I had a revelation and conviction.  Naturally, I wanted everyone to believe exactly the same as me and see "the truth".  I used big words like "pagan" and "idolatry".  I refused to go see my family on the holiday.  You have some people in your life that have done the same, I am sure.  If not, you've seen their posts on Facebook this time of year. I am very sorry to say I was one of them.

What I realized is that not one of the people in my life came to change the way they see Christmas by my behavior and speech.  I did find others who believe the same way.  Of those people, I have not seen one person change their traditions based on the "speaking truth" philosophy. I really haven't. What I have seen is families torn apart on the holidays they once cherished.  Now, there are some families who are dysfunctional and it's probably a good thing to set boundaries. More often though, I have personally seen people disconnect from their families due to a theology difference. This is not honoring the commandment to honor your father and mother.  The main people who do this, myself included, are people who profess to "really" be obeying the commands of God. This started to remind me of when Yeshua chastised the religious leaders for tithing their mint but forgetting the heart.

I have found that what changes those around me is first changing myself, then showing love, compassion and patience.  Telling people that they are "heaping judgments on themselves" or getting riled up and "filled with truth" to the point of defensiveness serves no one, no one.  If I say I hear God but cannot be disagreed with, I for sure am "led by the spirit" but no one is sure what or which one.  The Holy Spirit is secure, doesn't get buttons pushed or become reactive. This Spirit is gracious.

It used to anger and urk me every year when everyone would say Merry Christmas not caring whether or not I celebrated it, it felt like a boundary violation.  A punch. What I learned is that not one of these people is wishing me to serve other gods or bow down to idols or revert to paganism.  I mean, really.  They are wishing me joy, happiness, good will, they smile and really mean well.  I receive that.  It's my choice to receive it with their intention.  It's my choice to be kind in return.  I can say "thank you, you too!" or I can be annoyed and quip back "I don't celebrate it" while walking away or past whomever wished it.  Which produces more Tikkun Olam (repair the world)?  Seriously, which one?

People celebrate Christmas.  They do it with love in their hearts.  Some suffer tremendously around this holiday from grief or dysfunctional families or abuse. Some sell out to commercialism.  But none of them are intentionally bowing down to idols or wishing you to forsake your God.  Be kind.  Let go of your angst.  It doesn't even serve you, let alone anyone else.

Also, do you know how my family started to accept my different beliefs and even start to respect them and me? By me dying to my sacred cow of my theology and showing up to be with them.  By me letting them disagree and not storming off in a hissy fit of self-righteousness.  It takes time.  This is relationship.  This is what Yeshua/Jesus would do too.  He probably wouldn't eat the ham or bacon (just saying) but he would show love and graciousness. When others ask why we don't do things they do, He and we, answer them with joy.  No one is going to ask or want what we have if all they see is angst, defensiveness, and self-righteousness and that's the straight up truth.

I have changed my tune on this. I still don't celebrate Christmas.  It isn't the birth of Jesus, factually.  I don't set up a tree and I certainly won't sing songs about Santa. I chose to die to myself and be with the ones I love who do celebrate though.  Isn't *that* what Jesus/Yeshua said to do? Die to ourselves?  I spend time with my Christian family on Christmas now and have for a few years.  My mom doesn't put up trees anymore and we don't have music about Santa.  They don't serve pork to my family. I chose to spend the aging years of my parents *with* them.  This is love for my children, my husband, my family and I.

I am secure in what I believe and no longer need everyone to think like me.

Giving Advice to Moms

A few years ago, I had a mom chastise my parenting.  She was a close friend.  This was the scenario:

The mom and her two teenage girls hopped out of the car and headed inside.  They left my daughter in the car.  She was 7 at the time. My daughter had a meltdown.  She felt abandoned.  Mind you, this child had been through hell already.  I had been a single mom her whole life since her dad abandoned us at a gas station when she was 8 weeks old.  I'd spent the last 4 of those years working 5 jobs, in school full-time and did not have any relatives close by.  I'd been living in a shelter for domestic violence (no my ex did not physically abuse me) for the last 2.  I had been recently remarried and though she was happy, she had alot of anxiety and had seen much trauma by that point.

Rather than apologize to my child or comfort her in any way, she sat me down to tell me I was acting victimized and that my daughter was picking up on this vibe.  We had actually been abandoned, like for real.  1st by my ex husband, then by my ex best friends who threw us out on the street while screaming Scripture at me in front of my then 4 year old.  We actually were victimized.  Anyway, though I personally still needed to hear that because I do tend to feel sorry for myself, I spent years obsessing over the comments.

What she had never, ever had experience with was being abandoned by her husband.  She had never experienced being thrown out by best friends and here's my point, had never had an only child.
Now that I have another one, I get that when you have more than one, they're more independent.  My 2 year old gets herself water where my 1st born (the one who was an only child for a long time) still sometimes asks for me to get one for her.  I get that you just naturally expect more from your kids when you have more than one because you no longer have time to spend with each one. I'm sure these were her innocent thoughts and it must have taken my friend off guard that a 7 year old would react that way.

 According to Scientist Peter Drockhill "The brains of only children revealed less volume in other areas, including the medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) - associated with emotional regulation, such as personality and social behaviours". (2017) Not only was she an only child, but she was child to a single parent for many years, the formative years.

According to many studies (see below), children from single parent homes have trust issues, and fear being rejected.  This is not a my daughter thing or a my parenting thing.  And this is the point.  Moms shame themselves all the time.  We worry about how our parenting affects our kids. This goes for single moms, two parent homes, one child or many.  Dads too.  We beat ourselves up at every mistake.  That time you flew off the handle when your toddler dumped syrup all over the floor you just cleaned, after having "cleaning" on your to-do list for a week, you fear you've traumatized them for life.  That other time you swore no more electronics over one small infraction and then gave it back a day later, only to wonder if you could ever regain your boundaries with them...

Having been a single mom, and having interviewed many (hopefully to be published soon), I would say the regular mom fears are intensified a few fold though.  You know you aren't capable of being both parents, you know they need male influences, you know there are few that are healthy.  You know the ones that are healthy are cautious of being around a single women...and on it goes.  These are things two parent homes don't have to deal with.  Oh, and the whole going anywhere without having to pay someone from the many jobs you have to have...that either.

All that to say, we moms need to stick together.  That does mean saying something, guiding and helping.  But, I would suggest, only do that if asked, and if you are already in community and helping each other.  I would also suggest, say nice things about the kids 1st.  Most moms already know where their shortcoming are.  I guess not all do but I like to think so. I know my shortcomings are all I think about most days.  So, notice the positive things about your friends and acquaintances' children.  Then say that corrective thing.

Also, the cliche about not knowing someone's struggle is so true.  You have no idea where they've been, what they've gone through.  Try to see the good first.

Dockrill, P. (2017) Being an Only Child Can Actually Change The Structure of Your Brain. It's not just the behaviour that's different. Can be found at:

https://www.sciencealert.com/scientists-have-discovered-that-being-an-only-child-affects-brain-structure

http://aidanneal.com/2014/08/14/12-things-you-should-know-about-only-child-syndrome/

https://mom.me/kids/6196-single-mom-separation-anxiety-only-child/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/200901/children-single-mothers-how-do-they-really-fare

http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/10-ways-children-who-grew-up-with-a-single-parent-love-differently

Thyroid, Hormones and Essential Oils

After the birth of my youngest child, I began to have severe fatigue.  I noticed my nails were ridged and sometimes yellowish.  My hair fell out when I brushed it and I had unexplained weight gain.  I had Post-Partum depression pretty badly as well.

I got pregnant when she was 10 months old and was terrified because I was already exhausted all the time.  I had been known as the energizer bunny to my friends, teaching 3-5 group fitness classes a day and still making time for dancing and homeschooling.  I could not even up the stairs without being winded.  I remember someone hearing me catch my breath who had known me 4 years and he said "that's the 1st time I have ever seen you winded".

I am over 40 and figured it was that.  I had seen a doctor and a Naturopath and they hinted at thyroid but my numbers were within range.  They did put me on medication at one point and it did help but if I were to get pregnant again, I wanted to stay off all medications.  I am not recommending this to anyone.  Medications can be of great benefit and you should trust your doctor and your gut.

It wasn't until I miscarried recently that I saw hands down how powerful the oils can be.  I have used them for almost 10 years and am only self taught but my children still seem to get sick a lot and all I use is oils so I had my doubts.   I am not one to be so staunch in my own ideology that I will allow my child to suffer through pain, though many of my oil friend advocates would and do, do this.  To each his own.

Anyway, that said, I had been bleeding for 3 weeks pretty heavily and had gone to the hospital twice.  The actual miscarriage itself has taken one month and that's not including the hormonal and emotional side effects.  The doctors had given me medications and it was still taking this long.

On a Thursday,  decided to test the oils.  I made a blend to get my hormones on track.

In a small jar, I combined:
   1/2 teaspoon magnesium oil
   1/2 teaspoon coconut oil
   15 drops frankincense
   15 drops sandalwood
   20 drops Clary sage
   10 drops Rose
   5 drops Thyme

In a roll on I combined:
  15 drops Lemongrass
  10 drops Clove
  20 drops Myrrh
  20 drops Frankincense
  10 drop Geranium

I rubbed the roll on directly on the base of my neck and along the fleshy part of my foot beneath the big toe.  I dabbed the jar oils on the left side of my neck.  The only reason I put it here is because I had excruciating headaches emanating from there due to loss of blood.  This can be applied on the feet as well.

Guess what?  I birthed the placenta within a few hours with no pain and have not bled since! More importantly, I have some of my energy back.  I am on doctors orders bed rest for the most part so I think I'm tired from recovering.  I will post an update in a month or so and tell you what else they have done for my thyroid and energy levels.  I get more blood work

The Oils I used

done and will check back.

Side note but I thought it was interesting: the wise men brought Frankincense and Myrrh to Jesus.  They're very healing.  What if it was for the mom too?

Inspecting the Long Held Beliefs

I have heard all my life, as have you, that if you do good, you will be rewarded.  If you do bad, act selfishly or sin or disobey, there are consequences.  Have you ever stopped to think that through? I mean, as an extreme example, Hitler was blessed.  He was rewarded in this life for all his deeds, were they good?  Was he good? Then, there are really righteous, loving people who lose their children suddenly or who lose baby after baby in miscarriage.  Are they reaping consequences from sin?

You can bet that's what they think, at first.  What did I do wrong? Why is this happening?

But, the Bible says "if you obey, you will be blessed."  If you disobey, all these curses will come upon you. Yet, this simply isn't reality.  If you allow yourself to think about all the people who obey and all the suffering they have, or the pedophiles who are continually blessed, you have to see this is not reality.  I mean, unless you are delusional.

Sure, you can say all the typical defenses, they will be blessed in the next life, or they're not blessed, look at their internal suffering.  I mean, how happy can they be without God or Jesus?  I know those thoughts are automatic and help ease the confusion.  I am not saying those thoughts are wrong.  They are comforting and being comforted when you're hurting is hugely important.

But, what if those theologies are needing to be changed?

Let's look at Job.  Sure, that's the go to when something doesn't make sense.  I'd like to take a different look at Job. It's 42 Chapters.  The first one indicates that Satan, the adversary, is actually on Gods council, wait what?  Yeah, read it again. He came with the sons of God to present himself. God starts talking to him, like at the same table, about Iyyov (Job).

So, that is one and a half chapters of God and Satan arguing about why Iyyov is so good and so obedient it's only because God blesses Iyyov, that Iyyov is good.  And God concedes to let Satan harm him... a lot...

In the end, Iyyov gets it all back, and more.  So, that's supposed to make all the trauma "worth it" and explain it all.  Okay.  Maybe it does.

But there are 40, yes 40 Chapters of something else.

Job complains the whole time.  He wishes he were never born.  He gets spitting mad when his friends tell him he must have sinned.

I propose that this book is much more about, given the amount of chapters devoted to it, the jerk friends and their false theology, than it is about Satan or righteousness or God and Satan arguing or any of that.

Elifaz comes in quoting "recall now, who that was innocent ever perished?" He immediately comes out with the old, well, you MUST have done something wrong.  God rewards good and punished bad.  That's it. You have to have sinned in some way, you need to really look at yourself.  He even says my favorite "a word came to me".  So now, it's more than just his friend talking,  he is being guided by a word and if Iyyov doesn't listen, he certainly doesn't hear God and is just "not ready."  Heard that before?  Yeah, it is not new.

This goes on for 39/40 Chapters.  His friends start getting mad, really mad and dismissive toward him.  Bildad says he "preverts words".  Then, they get even madder and accuse Iyyov of being "righteous in his own eyes".  Man, the blows just don't cease.  They spend all this time accusing Job of wrongdoing and insist he must have done something to deserve all this suffering.  All he needs to do is figure out what he did wrong, and God, in His goodness, will restore it all to him.  God must be good and always do good to those who obey.  Job just needs to say he is a "worthless sinner" and describe his trespass and all will be well again.  Heard that message before?

So, guess what?  God shows up.  He is matter of fact and says to all of them, including God "you don't know".  You weren't there, you didn't create this or that.  You don't know if anyone will be rewarded after this life and Job is, in fact innocent.  The best part?  He offers no explanation for what happened to Job.  He is God. That's it.

And he is pissed at those friends.  Those friends were WRONG.  That theology was WRONG.  They misrepresented God and God himself said so.  So, why does this still happen so much? It is right there?  I don't know.  I simply don't know.

If you are one of those people who have to know, who always have an answer, who have to fit what people say inside your preconceived box, please stay away from people in the middle of trauma.  Better yet, just do not speak.  Go be with them.  Cry with them.  Bring them food and offer to take their children so they can cry and work it out (work out their salvation with fear and trembling).  That is love, that is ministry.  Just be there with those who suffer.  Job did NOT deserve what happened to him, and your theology needs re-examining if you think there is always an answer.

An alternative way of seeing things is that we are partners with God.  That Tikkun Olam (Repair the World) is up to us, not just God.  When bad things happen, we respond, not wait for Him to do something.  When someone is in pain, we go to their aid. We chose to be involved with things that help the fatherless, the torn by war, the abused, the stricken by natural disaster.  Then, when our friends are in pain, we won't need to speak cliches, or say we "heard God", we will already know how to help.

Just Stop Comparing and Chose Compassion

I just had this conversation again with someone recently, a former single mom of one.  As I was running and thinking, I thought of some things to do and not do. It applies to other things as well.

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A SINGLE MOM/PARENT:

1. Do not compare your military husband to being a single mom.  While it *is* hard to have your partner gone all the time and it is similar, it is not the same.  Unless you're the few who do not get help while he is away financially, you have help putting food on the table and a roof over your head.  Single parents have to be both roles.  They don't have someone helping pay the rent or buy groceries.  The have to fix the car, fix the dishwasher, fix the water faucet, all of it, themselves, while trying to give the limited time they have to engage in their children.  It is just not the same.  Please do not equate them.

2. Do not compare your 2-3 weeks solo with the kids with being a single mom.  See above.  Yes, it is hard.  Again, you don't have to pay the bills and your husband is coming back eventually.  Single parents have no end in sight.  Just that alone is so incredibly different and harder.

3. Do not say "At least you only have one".  In fact, stay away from saying "at least" ANYTHING!  Do you know that having one means you are only and always their only playmate? Like ever.  I now have two and is it WAY easier.  Sure, it is more expensive and there is always challenges but when you say "at least" anything, it's demeaning, shaming and belittling.  It's not ever ok to say "at least".  We know you mean well, trying to encourage but just stop.  Single parents have an innate and illogical sense of shame all the time.  They question themselves and their situation more than yo uwill ever understand.  We love your heart and intention but stop.

4. Do not tell him or her "you need time for yourself, why don't you hire a babysitter?" We know more than you think that we need alone time.  It's simply not the same for us as for you.  There is no extra to hire anyone, ever.  Sometimes, people have help from parents or family but not usually and again, the shame, the questioning makes us feel unworthy all the time.  What you can do is go over there and babysit for them.  Do not ask them to bring their child or children to your house.  Kids from single parent homes have a lot of trauma and instability as it is.  You just can't know the depth of that.  Having their only parent leave is more trauma, whether you think it should be or not.  So, unless you are willing to be the babysitter, don't say it.

5. Do not judge her or him or pity them.  Many of them or not in their situation by choice.  Sure, there are those who sleep around and have made bad choices but you don't know that.  Ask actually.  Get to know them.  As for the pity, when you seek to know them, you will find that many of them have a strength and perseverance that is incredible.  They need real and practical help, not pity or judgment.

THINGS YOU CAN DO:
True religion is to help the fatherless and the widow.  Though many single moms have divorces where the husband is still around, the effect on the child is still fatherless-ness.  This is more often the case than not.  Sure, there are great custody cases and shared custody but the woman still has to fend for herself as when that quote above was written.  Do a study on it.  The effect on them is as if they're a widow and the effect on the children is the same as being fatherless.  Unless you are willing to help, please also don't quote Scripture to them.  So, what that means is this:

1.  Offer to get their groceries.  Get a list from them and even if they need things from 3 stores, do it.  Don't make comments about the items (you have no idea if they have allergies or special needs).  Just ask for the list and then make time to go.  I'm not saying you need to pay but at least go.

2.  Offer to babysit and go over to their house to do so.  Do not dictate to them what they "should" do with their alone time.  They are not you and what refreshes them is different.  They may just want to sleep.  So, you go to their house, take their children to their local favorite park and let her nap.

3. Be the person they call when they have a need.  Several people have recalled stories to me of their single mom moments when they had a traumatic thing happened and so called Christians or Bible believers simply didn't make time.  It's excruciating.  I remember my car broke down.  I had no family in the area and very few friends since I was new.  I called one of the few people I knew, someone very active in ministry.  She was too busy "making dinner" for her teenage kids who can make for themselves and be left alone.  These are the kind of things that cause single parents to withdraw into mistrusting people.  This also is not their choice.  This was an opportunity to heal and the person chose themselves.  This happens a lot.  I have heard it many times. It's really easy to fix.

4. Offer to pick their child up from school once a week for 3-4 weeks or even once.  One time of an extra 30 minutes in a day is more to a single parent than you can imagine.  Even the offer is so incredibly healing.  It gives hope.

5. Offer to go over to their house after the kids are in bed and just watch movies so they can go run an errand or paint or take a walk away from their house, whatever they want or need.  Maybe they can actually go to a counseling appointment or a recovery meeting. Believe me, they want to get additional help but there is no time typically for that.  It can be done but it's very difficult.

6.  Offer to go to tea or coffee that is at or near a park where the kids can play.  Ask her questions.  Ask her how she really is and then really listen. Don't look at your phone or talk about yourself, just for a little bit anyway.  Just cry with her and listen.  Pay for the coffee.

7.  Text her once a week or once every two weeks.  Just to say hi and let her know you're thinking about her.

8.  Ask her what she needs.  Then actually try to meet one of those.  Be up front with her or him that if you cannot, you say so right away when they share.  Then, let her know you'll ask around (if you will) for others to try to help.

The thing is, we need to be more community minded.  We need to not compare our situation with someone else's.  We all do that.  Everyone has their own trauma and hard but we can still be there for others sometimes too.