Captivating

I write these things down for two reasons.  One, because it is healing for my soul to write out what I think and feel, there is lots of evidence that supports writing as a release.  Two, because reading others stories has always encouraged me and I figure if that's the case for me, perhaps it is for you as well.  Hearing my thoughts, struggles, etc.  may remind you that you are not the only person to feel these things either. 

This is NOT meant to hurt anyone.  Here is what I feel just struck me tonight as I lay down with my little girl.  We are having a sleepover.  One of her little friends is staying the night.  She has been asking for playdates at our house for weeks.  After some playtime and movies and some screeching, we all laid down and read some stories.  I laid down with her while her friend was in our other twin bed.  As she was dosing off, she put her arm and leg over me.  So cute.  So loving and carefree.  Why this is so sweet is well, because it is :-), but also, because earlier I had to kind of lecture her. 

She walked up to her friends mom and said "----- lies alot but you know, I tell the truth".  I was pretty embarassed and tried to think of why on earth she felt the need to say that.  This is a long thought process, lol.  Later, I told her of a time she had hurt this same friend.  She immediately started to feel bad even though it was weeks ago and she has not repeated the behavior.  I told her "now, if I reminded you of that time, if I kept bringing it up, how would you feel".  Her: "sad and ashamed".  Me: "right, so even though ---- may have lied before, she doesn't always and it's hurtful to bring things up all the time".  Her: long pause.  She cried.  Then, she said she wanted to be alone in her room so she could think.  She asked me to not let friend or me come in.  At first, I thought she was just pouting and like being vengeful but I granted her request.

She came out and I asked if she was ok and had had enough alone time.  She said yes and that she had thought about what I said.  Done.  We were on to other things and now to see if it repeats.  You can bet I will not be bringing it up again.  But, I felt distant from her for a bit and so to have her so lovingly want me close was just amazing. 

It made me think, why can't we all be like that?  Quick to listen, to think, to forgive and move on? I know I am not and it really hurt me tonight to think of myself that way.  Then, I began to think of other things.

Recently, in the last 6 months, I have had some pretty yucky things happen.  In February, a long time friend threatened me and kicked my daughter and I out of his house at night on a Friday night.  We have not talked since. This one still hurts and I have definitely been trying to focus on my part in it all, there is always my part I am learning. 

Then, a few weeks ago, a man who has a pretty large ministry, at least on FB, was contacting me a lot and then started becoming mean when I didn't respond quickly or with the adoration he was used to.  I barely knew him a few weeks before the weirdness began.  Then, he blocked me and lied about me to his family. 

And just recently, a friend contacted me saying "God told me you had something to say to me".  Really?  So, I started wondering if I had missed the message and thought maybe I didn't hear God as good as this guy.  When I said I would think more about it, 4 days later, he defriended me.

Aside from the obvious 2nd two, the silliness of FB, there is still a theme.  A pattern.  So, I began to look at my part, of which is a bit too personal for blogging but happy to tell in person.  Then, I remembered an Art Therapy class I did a year or so ago.  The quote went something like this "the enemy sends people into your life to reinforce the lies you believe about yourself."  The lies like "You are just too much", or "you are not worth fighting for". 

These things that have happened have definitely got me wondering if anyone will fight for me when I get difficult, if indeed, me, is just too much.  (by the way, this reminds me of the movie To Own a Dragon when the son says 'you just referred to all of me').  Especially coming from men.  These messages that "you are just too much" have started since a very young age and they have almost taken me out.  I started to believe them and as a result did much harm to myself, my body and my heart. 

But, it's NOT true!  At least not to my Creator!  He loves all of me!  I am NEVER too much for Him.  He has fought tooth and nail to remind me of my value to Him.  When I gave up on myself, He chased me, He pulled me from some seriosuly shady places. 

What lies have you believed about yourself?  Have they been creeping in again?  Through people?  Even people you trust?  Who believe the same way you do? 

Are these people evil? No, come on.  We have all been used to spread negativity, complaints, hatred and unforgiveness.  Each one of us.  But listen to the truth!  You are loved!  You are enough, just as you are and all of who you are.