Assumptions fly like birds into a glass window
Shake it off, try not to do the same thing again.
Yet they keep slamming into the glow
Of her heart; she tries relentlessly to train
her mind to not take it personal, not cry
It's about them, not you, they say
But, like the glass, the logic hits and cannot sway.
Like the bird, she stammers and shakes her head
Where is she? Where am I? How am I so low to the ground?
Where was I headed, I cannot remember now
A moment has passed? Maybe a thousand
It seems she is always frowning.
Rise up
Rise up
See where you are
Take steps, find the grass, look up
Up to where you came from
Then around to before your heart was undone
Rise up
Look, see where you are
Look up
It isn't far
Undone, no-respun
Feathers knit together
Healed, birdfeather
I've had to dig to plant our garden seeds. They took a long time to grow. Longer than all the websites say they should. And that's kind of like my life. I haven't matured the pace many do. They say when you get addicted at a young age, you stop maturing emotionally. So, while my friends were getting married and having kids and being the awesome moms they are, full of wisdom from caring for children, I didn't grow up until my late 30s. Even then, my responses were slow and immature.
I had a daughter, yes, but I didn't have a husband to bring some balance to my racing, spinning thoughts and my impulsive responses. I did eventually gain that in recovery, through others in recovery. But, even in my 40s, I still feel like a little tantrum throwing child. I never got delayed gratification and I expect to get my way, all the time and right now. I expect women to stand by me, guide me, love me through my faults. We all know that isn't the way it goes. Sometimes, for some.
But, somehow, it is okay. I do have a Creator, a Lover, a Healer, a Protector. Though the process has been slower for me than others, this Lover has helped me. Others didn't. Pastors didn't. Other believers in the same One, they didn't. Oh, they thought they were. That's okay too. "The enemy will use the ones you love the most to reinforce his lies." Boom. May it go deep into our soul, my soul.
