Kindness within Restraint: Chesed she-be-gevurah

"Sometimes we have to distance someone from our lives." (R. Haber, 2008) We all have those relationships where we wonder why we stay in them. There is that one friend who consistently shows their inconsideration, their inability to communicate, or their ability to communicate disrespectfully.  Sometimes it is co-workers and your job is then in question, that is a tough spot to be in when you feel a knot in your stomach every time you go into work. 

I started to feel that some time ago, the knot in my stomach every time I got in the car to go to this particular place with a particular group.  This went on for over a year actually.  I didn't want my daughter to suffer any more loss, though she had been judged and left out many times.  I loved this group from my very core and I knew if I stopped attending, I would lose the relationship (first indicator).  I chalked up the behaviors I was noticing that hurt me, to them having rough times, and I wanted to show patience and grace (something I need a lot of work on and here was a chance to exhibit it). Yet, I kept feeling dismissed.  Overlooked. Judged.  Misinterpreted. Gossiped about.  Put up with.  Those are all familiar feelings so I figured I just needed to plow through, get grateful, think the best, dismiss the lies in my head and keep going. 

Until one day I decided to test something.  I had felt that I was the only one putting effort into the relationship (another indicator).  So, I stopped calling.  I stopped texting.  I continued to attend and offer rides and so on.  That's when it fell apart.  I got ghosted.  I've posted about that before.  I should have known that would happen, that's why I tested it in the 1st place.  Yet, I was still so surprised and hurt.  I remember what was the final conversation for me. 

The person had someone else call for them, they did not have the decency to speak to me directly, after years of what I considered an intimate relationship.  That person spoke at me for 45 minutes about how I hurt the other person.  It was during this time that I had a miscarriage, the 1st one.  I had just had it not even 3 months ago and this person never even asked how I had been doing after the initial news.  They also never asked my perspective.  Perhaps I was hurting too? Nope, didn't matter.  You know exactly what I mean don't you? That's when I knew for sure. 

Normally, I am all about communicating exactly what you think and feel.  I do almost too often and it weeds people out of my life that I may have actually wanted in my life.  In this case, I showed restraint. I didn't argue back and defend myself or even bring up the abandonment on a deep level I felt.  Abandoned in my time of need.  You may have never had a miscarriage but I'm sure there has been other deep wounds that caused a major shaking. 

Why did I not share?  Simply: they didn't ask.  Ever.  "It is a mitzvah to refrain from saying anything if you know they won't listen to you, or will get upset." (R. Haber, 2008) A mitzvah is a good deed.  Do not throw your pearls before swine.  Not that anyone is swine, I am not trying to be mean.  It's an analogy and they'd already shown me in the months before that their hurts and issues were more important than mine and that mutual respect, if there ever was any, was gone. People who respect you and have healthy boundaries will speak directly to you.

Kindness with restraint is about boundaries I think.  I love Henry Cloud and John Townsend's books and podcasts on boundaries but there are tons of resources out there if you find you continue to allow yourself to be belittled.

Here are some of the things to look for in someone who is to keep close:

Do they check in with you?
If you communicate a need, do they follow up with it?
Do they ask you questions about your heart and life?
Do they listen when you respond or do they start then talking over you about their life?
Do they know how to "be with you" in pain without offering advice and cliche's?
Do they do a whole bunch of outward things for you but don't know your heart?

These are just some ideas.  And, sometimes it doesn't mean they should be cut off, they just don't need an intimate place in your life.  You are worth fighting for.  No matter your character defects, you deserve healthy people in your life. 


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