Legacy to leave: Story to tell

I've been thinking alot about how I view the world lately.  I get to feeling sorry for myself sometimes.  I had a chance to take a trip I would LOVE to go to, all day dancing Messianic, with like minded believers.  The only problem is there are zero children going and I'm the only single mom.  The other adults going seem to be annoyed when I come to practices with my daughter in tow.  Of course, I don't have a choice.  And then I get mad, then I feel sorry for myself.  I don't have shared custody.  I don't get every other weekends or even every Tuesday for a few hours to myself.  I don't live near my folks so I can't drop her off for a few hours even to go grocery shopping, or more importantly, to go a meeting for my soul.  I get comments so often used to make me mad, and sometimes still do, but now I realize it's just not in someone's radar.  And frankly, I don't want it to be.  It's ok.

I hear people talk about how many single moms there are, how so many make it work.  Well, thats great.  Are you one? No.  I don't hear other single moms say that.  I hear them cry.  I hear them do everything in their power not to scream at their child, not because the child is misbehaving but because they're at their end and have NO place to turn for reprieve.  It's impossible to comprehend if you haven't been there.  Having a husband who is gone alot, is not the same.  It's just not.  To have the sole pressure of providing financially, being the provider, roof cover-er, emotional support, spiritual guide, encourager, so many roles to list...is not the same. 

All that to say, I am sad.  I am overwhelmed.  I feel alone alot.  I mean alot.  BUT...I decided I am going to try not to talk about it for awhile, how hard it is anyway.  I don't want the first thing I say about myself is how I'm a single mom.  I don't to someone keep needing people to understand how it is for me in the first few minutes or sentences.  That's just um, lame.  I mean, I love the title because I love being a mom and my daughters mom.  I love the title because someday it will make me finally feel strong. 

I don't want my daughter to pick up on these things though.  I remember hearing my dad talk about bills or the expense of things and I felt it was my fault somehow.  That if i wasn't another mouth to feed, he would be happier.  That's not how my dad meant it and certainly he didnt feel that way.  But, still, I picked this up.  I do not want my daughter to get the impression that she is the cause of any of my pain.  Not one iota.  I mean, it's not like I didn't make choices that brought me to this place too.  It's not like I am a victim. 

It's hard to feel obsolete sometimes.  I don't know where I stand or if I fit in sometimes.  I've been dismissed and I wonder at the future.  But what I am committed to remember is that I have hope.  I am more than single mom.  I am a writer, a dancer, a singer, a fitness professional, silly, goofy, serious, madly in love with the King of the Universe of whom I must begin again to place my trust in.  It isn't just a cliche (of which I abhor) to say I have a hope and a future.  This Lover has never dismissed me, has never abandoned me, knows how I feel, and cares about how I feel.  I have to change my thinking.  I have to change what I say as a result. 

I hope someday soon I will have a story to share with others that inspires.  Other single moms who feel this way, I hope they can know it will get better too.  I actually believe that day is coming.  I've seen this happen in my lifetime in other ways, with other struggles.  It's not just a hope.